Detoxifying Cleanse

  1. Pills, juices or extreme diet plans used to make people feel better about eating a whole pack of Oreos
  2. Powerful strain of snake oil designed to rid users of their toxic money
  3. Proof that the word “toxin” is the scariest and most misunderstood word in the English language

Usage Example: “You should try this new detox cleanse. I did it, and I felt awful afterward… So it must have worked.”

Background: The internet loves detoxifying cleanses. And, as everyone knows, the internet is well regarded for its fine judgment and dedication to the truth. That $200 Target gift card offer may have been fake, and the “Obama Grant” may have been a scam, but these “miracle cleanses” absolutely work.

Detoxifying cleanses are everywhere. There are special cleanses for livers, colons, weight loss, and every other human organ or conceivable situation. Cleanses work on a simple premise: people have money to spend and value the medical opinions of anyone other than medical professionals. After all, doctors have been bought and sold by the pharmaceutical companies. They aren’t interested in real health.

Do you know who is interested in real health? This guy Chad in Chula Vista – that’s who. He developed a supplement so powerful that it will cleanse your colon of toxins and help you lose that stubborn belly fat – fast! Just send him $300, and he will send you a box of supercharged powders to mix with your favorite fresh juices. Drink only the supercharged juices for a week, and you will jump start your weight loss! It doesn’t matter that foregoing food for a week will cause anyone to lose weight; regardless of what meth-lab chemicals are added to juices.

People have a strong appetite for snake oil, and purveyors of cleanses are happy to supply it.

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Prescription Drug Ads

  1. Proof that people would rather take a risk on nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stroke, heart attack, coma and death – than deal with restless legs
  2. Ads presenting an alternate reality, in which scenes of people enjoying life are accompanied by a voice-over warning of the disgusting and terrible things that could happen if a product is actually used
  3. Discriminatory ads failing to offer products to people with liver or kidney problems, and women who are pregnant or may become pregnant
  4. Ads attempting to get men to ask their doctors questions

Usage Example: “Hey doctor, I saw a prescription drug ad for a drug that could help clear up my skin. Is it right for me? I’m cool with all of the diarrhea and death stuff.”

Background: Prescription drug ads seek to do the impossible. They are attempting to get people to buy a product while verbally communicating a list of at least twenty horrible things that could happen if the product is used.

Normally, if a person is approached with the option of dealing with an annoying physical problem or rolling the dice on coma, death, paralysis or permanent muscle spasms – the decision is simple. But tell them all of this while showing people picking apples, playing with grand-kids, or sitting in bathtubs, and people lose their minds.

Prescription drug ads also visually communicate the following:

  • If you have psoriasis and take a drug, you will jump and swim in pools.
  • If you have ED and take a drug, you will suddenly place two bathtubs outside and sit in them.
  • If you are bipolar and take a drug, you will take creepy pictures of kids in sandboxes and walk along the beach.
  • If you have fibromyalgia and take a drug, you will handle potted plants and look at documents on a table… instead of grabbing your shoulder.