Air Mattress

  1. Sleeping surface designed to take a person from beach ball to floor in six hours flat
  2. Stealth torture device for visiting guests

Usage Example: “Hey. Wake up. It’s 3:30 am. This air mattress is almost completely deflated. Do you think we should turn on this incredibly loud pump?”

Background: The air mattress is a popular sleeping accommodation for visiting house guests. Air mattresses have gained popularity because they are easy to store, quick to set up and efficiently torture anyone who sleeps on them. Users can expect to begin the night by bouncing around on a beach ball and finish the night by waking up on the floor – in the hateful embrace of a puffy air pillow.

There are many different varieties of air mattresses available, at a wide range of price points. However, all air mattresses share a few basic similarities. In order to qualify as an air mattress, a product must possess the following qualities:

  1. The product must be a sleeping surface that is initially filled with air.
  2. The product must lose at least 50% of its air over the course of six to eight hours.
  3. The product must lose air regardless of whether or not any holes are present.
  4. The product must be designed to emit faint hissing sounds, even though no actual holes can be detected.
  5. The product must contain a useless “placebo patch kit” to make the user feel good about covering up a hole, even though the kit cannot actually patch anything.

Some air mattress manufactures attempt to fight the fact that all air mattresses slowly deflate, by installing incredibly noisy built-in pumps. This innovation allows users to add some additional air to a half-inflated air mattress, while promptly waking up the entire house at 3:00 am. Making this choice allows a user to enjoy an awful night of tossing and turning, combined with experiencing a new level of searing hatred poured out by the rest of the house, thereby ensuring a spot on the air mattress for any subsequent visits. It is a vicious cycle.

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Picnic

  1. Edible landing pad for flies and other insects
  2. Event containing a high volume of confirmed potato salad sightings
  3. Opportunity to eat food outdoors, while constantly holding down napkins and paper plates

Usage Example: “I love to go on picnics!… until I actually get there.”

Background: Picnics are a lot like communism. They look like great ideas on paper, but they don’t work in the real world.

The picnic process contains the following steps:

  1. Plan and pack food and beverages, such as: salad, potato salad, pasta salad, egg salad, and any other salad that the picnickers wouldn’t normally eat at home, but think that they will enjoy in the wilderness for some reason.
  2. Hope is doesn’t rain… Hope it isn’t too hot… Hope it isn’t too windy…Hope that the conditions outdoors are exactly like the conditions indoors.
  3. Drag 30lbs of food and beverages to the wilderness.
  4. Find a dry place to sit down and begin unpacking food.
  5. Dodge insects.
  6. Spend the duration of the picnic pretending to like warm potato salad.
  7. Spend the duration of the picnic shielding eyes from the blazing sun.
  8. Spend the duration of the picnic trying to eat while simultaneously keeping napkins and paper plates from blowing away.
  9. Spend the duration of the picnic trying to eat while constantly swatting at flies.
  10. Frantically pack everything up when the rain starts.
  11. Drive away from the wilderness.
  12. On the way home, stop at the Wendy’s drive-through to get some food.