Loyalty Card

  1. Plastic filler product for wallets and key chains
  2. Empowering opportunity for shoppers

Usage Example: “If you sign up for the bowling alley’s free loyalty card, every tenth frame is 10% off.”

Background: Americans have problems. American wallets are too thin and American key chains are way too empty. Thankfully, every single retail store in the country is helping to remedy this problem.

It all started with grocery stores. Customers interested in paying reasonable prices for groceries have to agree to carry around a piece of plastic with a store logo on it.

The process of obtaining these pieces of plastic is simple. Stores collect your name, address, phone number, email address, driving records, medical records and the names of your family and friends. In exchange for handing over this information, stores graciously give you the option of carrying around a card in your wallet, or a stubby and soon to be filthy chunk of plastic to hang on your key chain. By presenting these chunks of plastic at the point of sale, stores agree to allow customers to pay normal prices for groceries. If you fail to carry around the store’s chunk of plastic, you must be penalized by paying artificially inflated prices for products.

After grocery stores successfully convinced millions of people to carry around their plastic filler products, every other store followed suit. You are now compelled to carry loyalty cards for pharmacies, gas stations, movie theaters, ice cream stores and lemonade stands.

Smart shoppers are encouraged to create their own loyalty cards. Simply tape your picture to a piece of plastic and present it to a retail outlet. If that store refuses to show it to you whenever you shop, inform them that you will pay half-price for all items. This plan is guaranteed to work almost 1% of the time.

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Self-Checkout

  1. Sensitive machine allowing customers to fulfill their dreams of working in the grocery industry without pay
  2. Recent technological advancement helping humans reach their goal of never talking with anyone else, ever

Usage Example: “There is no unexpected item in the bagging area! Why did I pick the self-checkout line?”

Background: For people interested in doing their own dental work, comes the self-checkout machine. These machines allow customers to play “Fantasy Grocery Store.” While in the checkout line, few grocery store customers are able to resist the urge to jump over the counter and scan their own items. Thankfully, the industry has responded to this desire by providing customers with an easy way to work for their favorite stores without pay.

The self-checkout machine also helps customers meet another need: avoiding conversation at all costs. The invention of the cellular phone forever changed the trajectory of mankind’s desire to talk with one another. Before the invention of the cell phone, most technological advancements were geared toward making it easier for humans to talk with each other. However, the cell phone went too far, by providing an easy way for humans to talk with each other anywhere and at any time. It was all too much.

Realizing that a terrible mistake had been made, the following years focused on technological backpedaling that helped humans avoid conversation at all costs. Text messages, online ordering, online banking and self-checkout technology are all steps toward the new goal. Today, the average American makes more phone calls using a box of Nerds than with an actual phone.

Self-checkout machines may be a quirky, deceptive ploy for retail outlets to gain a free workforce, but at least they help us avoid accidentally engaging in conversations. If this trend continues, we can expect the “self-automotive repair kiosk” and “self-medical exam machine” to arrive in the coming years.