Cafeteria Smell

  1. The odor of: fried food, mixed with old mop water, mixed with cookies, mixed with bleach, mixed with hot dumpster leavings – that emanates from every cafeteria
  2. A sign that sloppy joes are being served at a given location
  3. A sign that pizza will be served in the form of a soggy rectangle

Usage Example: “I wanted to try that restaurant, but it had that cafeteria smell.”

Background: There is no escaping the cafeteria smell. Every cafeteria, whether it’s found in an elementary school, college, hospital or standalone “buffet” restaurant, has the exact same smell. It doesn’t matter if it tries to make itself upscale, the cafeteria smell will always be present.

The cafeteria smell is a complex bouquet of pleasant and disturbing odors. Due to its complexity, it can be difficult to identify its individual components. However, in spite of its complexity, the cafeteria smell is instantly recognizable. One single whiff of cafeteria smell immediately takes a victim back to standing in line at an elementary school cafeteria, waiting for his chicken patty sandwich, pudding, chocolate milk and carrot sticks.

The cafeteria smell is comprised of equal parts of odors from the following categories:

  1. The food category
  2. The cleaning supply category
  3. The dumpster category

This combination creates a smell that is somewhat appealing and somewhat revolting at the same time. Cafeteria smell is the primary distinguishing characteristic of any cafeteria-style dining establishment.

Little Caesars Pizza

  1. Purveyor of $6.00 pepperoni pizza-like products for office parties and birthday parties alike
  2. Marketing geniuses behind the innovative slogan: “Pizza, Pizza!”

Usage Example: “I forgot to cook something for the office pot-luck lunch. Looks like I’ll be stopping at Little Caesars Pizza on my way to work.”

Background: Aristotle first made the statement: “If one only has six dollars, his pizza options are limited.”

That statement is true. If you only have six dollars, you can always take home a frozen pizza from the grocery store; but that option takes too much effort for most Americans.

Another option is to visit that place between the laundromat and the empty storefront on the other side of town: Little Caesars Pizza. If you have six dollars, Little Caesars has a “Warm-N-Adequate” pepperoni pizza waiting for you. Little Caesars is a long-time supplier of picnics, office parties, and kids’ birthday parties. Any situation that calls for a pizza that is “OK, I guess,” calls for Little Caesars.

Little Caesars gained their desperate following through innovative marketing campaigns. They pioneered the innovative catch-phrase “Pizza, Pizza!” – uttered just like Caesar himself would have said it. They also named their breadsticks “Crazy Bread” for how truly insane you’d have to be to order them.

It is also important to note that Little Caesars has begun offering a pizza with a “bacon wrapped crust.” So, not only do they want to help you fulfill your desire for cheap and adequate pizza, but they are also apparently attempting to kill you.