Political Party Convention

1.     Crazy hat fashion show

2.     An excuse for adults to behave like children

3.     The balloon industry’s Super Bowl

4.     A lame party’s lame party

Usage Example: “I didn’t come to this party convention to sit behind someone wearing a 3-foot Mount Rushmore hat! I can’t see who’s yelling at us!”

Background: Every four years, American political parties assemble their loneliest members to fill a room and put on a massive crazy-hat fashion show. This fashion show is unlike any other fashion show in the world. It is unique for the following reasons:

– Participants elect a party king or queen, and spend several days yelling about why their fashion show king is the best.

– Participants are expected to revert to childhood. Crazy hats, funny outfits, yelling, name calling, crying and booing are all acceptable and encouraged.

– The show reaches its climax with a tedious speech from the king or queen.

– In a bizarre twist, convention organizers then attempt to kill the new king or queen by dumping tons of balloons on him/her. This tactic has proven completely ineffective and horribly inefficient. It has a 100% failure rate. However, since there is nothing that politicians enjoy more than consistent failure and inefficiency, it will never change.

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Presidential Debate

  1. Competition between multiple Type-A robots, to see who can utter the most clichés
  2. The worst parts of a beauty pageant, without any beauty
  3. Question dodging recital

Usage Example: “The presidential debate is on Fox? I wonder what’s on Animal Planet.”

Background: In the United States, presidential elections occur every four years. Approximately 90 seconds after the votes are counted and a new president is announced, the first presidential debate of the next election cycle occurs. These debates continue on an almost daily basis until the next election.

Presidential debates give a platform for shiny, Ivy League educated robots to practice reciting clichés. For some reason, this spectacle attracts untold hundreds of viewers.

The main qualifying criterion for participation in a presidential debate is possessing the surname “Bush” or “Clinton”. Other debate criteria include:

  1. Wearing a flag pin
  2. Exhibiting an unnaturally large smile
  3. Telling at least one story about a family “sitting around the kitchen table, wondering how they will pay their bills”
  4. Using the name of at least one unemployed worker
  5. Republican Debates: use the words “Reagan,” “Liberty,” and “strengthening our borders”
  6. Democratic Debates: use the words “Equity,” “Choice,” and “my opponent will take away your Social Security”

Congress

  1. A large club for the rich and entitled that specializes in appearing busy, and occasionally meets in Washington D.C.
  2. A gathering of the robotic winners of local popularity contests

Usage Example: “Congress will be out of session until after Labor Day.”

Background:  Most politicians are smiling, rich, Type A robots, programmed with an unquenchable thirst to win popularity contests at any cost. This thirst drives them to repeatedly enter elections, including congressional elections.

Throughout the election process, these politicians are programmed to speak in vague terms, often using outdated clichés, and never exceeding 30 seconds of actual substance when discussing political issues. They are also designed to release slick, superficial political advertisements approximately once every 90 seconds.

Upon winning a seat in congress, the congressional robots are powered-down, and only activated to talk on Sunday morning news shows, hire staffers, and occasionally grandstand among the other robots. Spending most of their time powered-down allows the congressional robots to conserve energy for their next congressional election.