Parenting

  1. Act of voluntary insanity
  2. The process of filling a house with one’s loud, filthy little clones

Usage Example: “My next parenting milestone will be to successfully get at least 25% of my kids’ lunches into their mouths… Instead of on the floor, chairs, table, clothing, wall, ceiling, toys, siblings, AC vents, school papers, etc.”

Background: At some point (or points) in the lives of many couples, babies are born or adopted. At this time, parents begin the extended period of temporary insanity known as “parenting.”

Parenting has many side effects. These side effects include: sleeplessness, bargaining, yelling, excessive cleaning and even watching children’s television. Some parents have also been observed wearing their children in elaborate harnesses, and many others cart their children around in nylon wheelbarrows known as “strollers.”

Parenting also causes normally sane adults to utter bizarre statements. These statements include:

  1. Hey! Are you doing what I think you’re doing? Not again. Stop eating ants!
  2. Are you stinky? Someone’s stinky. Who’s stinky?
  3. Open wide. Just take one bite. Please. Take this bite. Open up! Here comes the airplane!.. Come on! Open up! I give up. Go ahead. Starve. See what I care… Just take this bite! If you want chocolate, you’ll take this bite.
  4. There’s new episodes of Wild Kratts on all this week! Set the DVR!
  5. No, you can’t wear a cape to the store. <screaming> Sigh… OK, wear the cape.
  6. If you don’t kick and scream at the doctor’s office, we’ll all go out for ice cream!
  7. Stop screaming! I’ll pay you anything to stop screaming. What do you want? Anything! It’s yours! Just stop screaming.
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Toys

  1. Expensive floor covering for children’s rooms
  2. Highly refined materials for an indoor minefield

Usage Example: “If you don’t clean up your toys this instant…we’ll probably clean them up for you…so we don’t kill ourselves.”

Background: Toys follow a predictable and rapid lifecycle. The “Toy Cycle” progresses along the following steps:

  1. Kid begs for toy
  2. Parent buys toy
  3. Kid plays with toy for 7.5 minutes
  4. Kid breaks toy
  5. Toy becomes an expensive floor covering

That’s basically it.

Kids trick parents into buying toys, so that they can immediately break them and set them up as elaborate booby traps for parents. Kids can instinctively navigate a minefield of toys on the floor, but parents step on every Lego and Ninja Turtle.

The process of breaking toys and leaving them on the floor is often referred to as “refining” or “enriching” the toys. Kids throughout the world are enriching toys every day. There is a vast army of tiny people setting up entire rooms full of highly refined toys right under our noses.

Unreliable sources have reported that all kids receive special training in “creative terrorism” at a secret KGB facility in Vladivostok. It is at this facility where all kids learn about the toy cycle, and how to use it to initiate acts of creative terrorism against their parents.

Kiddie Pool

  1. Plastic backyard mosquito nursery
  2. Leaf catcher
  3. Insect execution method

Usage Example: “It’s been six days. Maybe I should drain the kiddie pool.”

Background: The molded plastic or vinyl kiddie pool is an icon of summer. On the first semi-warm days of the summer season, kids start begging their parents to drag out the pool. These pools are then taken out of storage, dusted off, and filled with water. At this point, kids proceed to play in the ankle-deep waters of the kiddie pool for a solid ten minutes before they move on to other summertime activities. These other activities include obtaining a head-to-toe covering of grass clippings upon leaving the pool, and continuously objecting to a state of boredom.

Figure 1 - A vinyl kiddie pool shortly after its first phase of life.

Figure 1 – A vinyl kiddie pool shortly after its first phase of life.

Immediately after the pool is vacated, it begins its second phase of life. In this phase, the pool morphs into a highly efficient mosquito hatchery, leaf catcher and insect execution machine.

Fun fact: at least half of the world’s known mosquitoes were born in kiddie pools. These pools are also extremely efficient leaf catchers. Even if a kiddie pool is placed far from the nearest tree, every leaf that falls within a half-mile radius of the pool will land in it. The kiddie pool is also a brutally efficient method of execution for dumb insects. One insect is executed by kiddie pool every 30 seconds.

The kiddie pool’s second phase of life ends after an average of five days. At this time, parents identify that the green waters of the leaf, dead bug and mosquito soup are no longer an acceptable place for children to sit and complain. At this time the pool is drained.