Trail Mix

  1. Product designed to hide large amounts of candy amongst a few nuts and seeds
  2. A game of “Where’s Waldo?” in a bag – allowing consumers to hunt for all of the M&Ms hidden behind useless cashews

Usage Example: “Do you know if Target carries that trail mix with Sour Patch Kids? I’m starting a diet, so I’m swapping candy for trail mix.”

Background: Trail mix is a product that is specially designed to allow non-hikers to eat large amounts of candy without feeling bad about it. The basic trail mix formula is:

  • 1 part nuts
  • 1 part seeds
  • 1 part raisins
  • 2 parts dried fruit encrusted in sugar
  • 50 parts chocolate chips
  • 50 parts M&Ms

Some claim that trail mix was designed to meet the high caloric needs of hikers. However, studies show that less than .01% of all trail mix ever finds its way to the trail. Trail mix is actually a clever way to make people feel better about eating candy. Independent research has concluded that most trail mix is consumed while lying on sofas, hunting for candy and binge-watching The Golden Girls.

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Picnic

  1. Edible landing pad for flies and other insects
  2. Event containing a high volume of confirmed potato salad sightings
  3. Opportunity to eat food outdoors, while constantly holding down napkins and paper plates

Usage Example: “I love to go on picnics!… until I actually get there.”

Background: Picnics are a lot like communism. They look like great ideas on paper, but they don’t work in the real world.

The picnic process contains the following steps:

  1. Plan and pack food and beverages, such as: salad, potato salad, pasta salad, egg salad, and any other salad that the picnickers wouldn’t normally eat at home, but think that they will enjoy in the wilderness for some reason.
  2. Hope is doesn’t rain… Hope it isn’t too hot… Hope it isn’t too windy…Hope that the conditions outdoors are exactly like the conditions indoors.
  3. Drag 30lbs of food and beverages to the wilderness.
  4. Find a dry place to sit down and begin unpacking food.
  5. Dodge insects.
  6. Spend the duration of the picnic pretending to like warm potato salad.
  7. Spend the duration of the picnic shielding eyes from the blazing sun.
  8. Spend the duration of the picnic trying to eat while simultaneously keeping napkins and paper plates from blowing away.
  9. Spend the duration of the picnic trying to eat while constantly swatting at flies.
  10. Frantically pack everything up when the rain starts.
  11. Drive away from the wilderness.
  12. On the way home, stop at the Wendy’s drive-through to get some food.