Political Party Convention

1.     Crazy hat fashion show

2.     An excuse for adults to behave like children

3.     The balloon industry’s Super Bowl

4.     A lame party’s lame party

Usage Example: “I didn’t come to this party convention to sit behind someone wearing a 3-foot Mount Rushmore hat! I can’t see who’s yelling at us!”

Background: Every four years, American political parties assemble their loneliest members to fill a room and put on a massive crazy-hat fashion show. This fashion show is unlike any other fashion show in the world. It is unique for the following reasons:

– Participants elect a party king or queen, and spend several days yelling about why their fashion show king is the best.

– Participants are expected to revert to childhood. Crazy hats, funny outfits, yelling, name calling, crying and booing are all acceptable and encouraged.

– The show reaches its climax with a tedious speech from the king or queen.

– In a bizarre twist, convention organizers then attempt to kill the new king or queen by dumping tons of balloons on him/her. This tactic has proven completely ineffective and horribly inefficient. It has a 100% failure rate. However, since there is nothing that politicians enjoy more than consistent failure and inefficiency, it will never change.

Advertisements

Presidential Debate

  1. Competition between multiple Type-A robots, to see who can utter the most clichés
  2. The worst parts of a beauty pageant, without any beauty
  3. Question dodging recital

Usage Example: “The presidential debate is on Fox? I wonder what’s on Animal Planet.”

Background: In the United States, presidential elections occur every four years. Approximately 90 seconds after the votes are counted and a new president is announced, the first presidential debate of the next election cycle occurs. These debates continue on an almost daily basis until the next election.

Presidential debates give a platform for shiny, Ivy League educated robots to practice reciting clichés. For some reason, this spectacle attracts untold hundreds of viewers.

The main qualifying criterion for participation in a presidential debate is possessing the surname “Bush” or “Clinton”. Other debate criteria include:

  1. Wearing a flag pin
  2. Exhibiting an unnaturally large smile
  3. Telling at least one story about a family “sitting around the kitchen table, wondering how they will pay their bills”
  4. Using the name of at least one unemployed worker
  5. Republican Debates: use the words “Reagan,” “Liberty,” and “strengthening our borders”
  6. Democratic Debates: use the words “Equity,” “Choice,” and “my opponent will take away your Social Security”

Roger Goodell

  1. The world’s most decisive indecisive disciplinarian
  2. Man committed to protecting the integrity of things by making random decisions

Usage Example: “I’d like to rent Roger Goodell to make disciplinary decisions for my kids, but I’m not in favor of the death penalty.”

Background: Roger Goodell is in charge of handing out discipline in the National Football League (NFL). Some unsubstantiated reports claim that he also maintains a side job as NFL Commissioner.

Figure 1 – Roger Goodell standing at a podium…probably handing out some discipline… or adjusting some discipline… or explaining why he changed his discipline.

Goodell is a man of strong convictions. These convictions include: randomly over-punishing and randomly under-punishing, while randomly standing firm and randomly changing his mind. These facts are not lost on the public. Now, you can even test your luck with an online “NFL Punishment Generator”.

If Roger Goodell made his disciplinary services available to the general public, he would rule your kids with an iron fist… unless he wouldn’t.

Roger would come to your house with a bowl full of candy and have a list of pre-defined rules that govern the bowl. The candy bowl rules are as follows:

  1. The candy bowl is open from 5:00pm – 7:00pm. Any person taking candy outside of this time will be punished by a $10 fine.
  2. There will be a woman guarding the candy bowl. She will be making sure that no one takes more than two pieces of candy. If you punch her in the face and knock her out, you will be punished with a stern lecture. Unless a video tape of the event is made public… Then you will receive the death penalty.
  3. You are allowed to film the candy bowl from certain locations, but if you try to film the candy bowl from the area next to the sofa, you will be fined $10,000 and serve five years in prison. Roger will then confiscate the tapes, and immediately destroy the evidence… Because there’s nothing wrong with destroying evidence.

After Roger arrives with his candy bowl, one of your kids coordinates with a couple of friends to grab some candy at 4:50.

On this day, your neighbor finds a candy wrapper on the floor before 5:00 and tells Goodell. He is furious. He must protect the integrity of the bowl. He immediately alerts the media that candy was taken early… up to two hours early. Your son claims that his watch was fast, and he didn’t know he was doing anything wrong. That excuse makes sense to some people, but most people think he knowingly broke the rule and grabbed some candy a few minutes early. He prepares to pay the $10 fine for this infraction.

Then, for some reason, Roger hires a high-priced law firm to fully investigate the matter. The law firm takes months to release a report that concludes that your son “more likely than not” had knowledge of the candy grabbing operation. So, Roger decides to fine your family $10,000 and send your son to a detention center for four months. He must protect the integrity of the bowl.

No one really knows how the $10 fine turned into all of this. But, since many people really don’t like your son, they are fine with the punishment.

Your son decides to appeal the decision. Roger is cool with this. He decides that he will be the one to hear the appeal.

After the appeal, Roger decides to side with himself, and keep his punishment exactly the same. In spite of his own rich history of destroying evidence, Roger claims that he upheld his own decision because your son destroyed multiple candy wrappers before his investigators asked your son to turn over all of his personal information.

The media buys this, and tells your son to give up. Just take the penalty and move on. They say this in spite of the fact that allegedly destroying evidence may speak to his guilt, but does not address the concept of the punishment not fitting the crime. The media also trots out a long line of people that your son beat in past sporting events, and they all cry over the integrity of the bowl.

Around the same time, the woman guarding the candy bowl is beat up (see rule #2). A little neighborhood kid is also beaten by another family member. Roger flip-flops a couple of times on these cases, but he always makes sure that these inconsequential events don’t get in the way of more serious matters.

Image Credit: By Marianne O’Leary [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

BuzzFeed

  1. Internet-based service providing assessments for users to finally determine their 90s movie persona
  2. Internet based service providing videos of people trying different foods, for some reason
  3. Internet based service providing random news stories, mixed in with multiple lists about why it’s good to be short
  4. Internet based service providing thousands of lists composed entirely of annoying GIFs

Usage Example: “Thanks to BuzzFeed, I finally have the answer to how well I know the theme from “A Different World”.

Background: BuzzFeed is a powerful player in the crowded world of narcissistic news, video, quiz and recipe providers. By all accounts, BuzzFeed is the primary ADD news provider to the key 15-19 year old demographic. BuzzFeed is also successful in luring in an older audience to take their quizzes, make their recipes and read hundreds of lists about 90s products.

Of all of the random, GIF based content on BuzzFeed, the quizzes are the cornerstone of its offerings. Buzzfeed offers a mind numbing array of “me-based” quizzes designed to provide the children of helicopter parents with answers that can’t be found anywhere else. They are the only online quiz service courageous enough to offer a method of determining which Guy Fieri catchphrase matches your Zodiac sign. Finally. Thank you, BuzzFeed.

Whenever you are concerned about the future of our nation and the world, remember that BuzzFeed is providing our news and information. Then go hide under a table and await the apocalypse… while you take a quiz to determine which tv show apartment you should live in.

Local Television News

  1. A televised method of communicating the possibility that everyone is having fun at the county fair
  2. A televised method of alerting the public that road work on highway 12 could cause traffic slowdowns in front of the feed store
  3. A televised method of sharing heart-warming local stories that really have no impact on your life whatsoever

Usage Example: “Thanks to the local television news, I know that the community center is buying twelve new folding chairs.”

Background: If you don’t live in or around a major city, your local news is coming from places like Bismarck, ND; Bangor, ME or Lynchburg, VA. These local television newscasts include hard-hitting local news and information.

The following is a sample small-town newscast. They all function the exact same way.

Gloria Anchor: Good evening and thanks for joining us on Action 17 News at 5 – I’m Gloria Anchor. Our top story tonight – everyone is having fun at the county fair. For more, Chad Reporter is at the fairgrounds. It looks like everyone is having a great time, Chad!

Chad Reporter: Gloria, you couldn’t be more right. This is the 98th year of the county fair, and everyone is having a great time.

Woman in a flag shirt: We just love the fair. We’re having a great time.

Old Woman: I am ninety-three years old. I’ve been coming to the fair since I was a young girl. I just love the fair.

Chad Reporter (now holding cotton candy): Gloria, everyone is having such a great time here at the fair. If you are interested in joining in on the fun, come on down to the fairgrounds. The fair runs through Sunday. I’d love to stay and chat, but I’m going to head on over to the rickety old Ferris wheel and go to work on this cotton candy!

Gloria Anchor: Mmmm. Save some of that cotton candy for me, Chad!

Chad Reporter: Will do Gloria!

Gloria Anchor: Thanks Chad. And now for a first look at the weather, we turn to Chip Weatherman in our News 17 Weather Center with your First Look Forecast. Chip – How does the weather look for all those fairgoers?

Chip Weatherman: Gloria, for everyone heading out to the fairgrounds, it looks like we’ll have a 60% chance of some light shower activity moving in this afternoon, but don’t let that keep you away from the fair. If some of those showers move in, you can always head indoors to the livestock pavilion until they pass. But, even though we have a 60% chance of rain, everyone at the fair has a 100% chance of fun! And it looks like we can expect some bright sunshine for all the folks heading to the speedway this weekend! I’ll have more at 6:00, including your AccuDoppler17 weekend outlook. Gloria – back to you.

Gloria Anchor: Thanks Chip. And now – Joe Sportsguy with the big game results from Friday night.

Joe Sportsguy: Thanks Gloria. On the high school gridiron, Central beat Regional 17-9, and Westside beat Kennedy 24-21. Join me at 6:00 for updates on the field hockey tournament, a race day preview, and the touching story of a young boy who beat the odds by making his little league team, in spite of suffering from celiac disease.

Gloria Anchor: Thanks Joe. Last week, you may remember the story we brought you about the theft of twelve folding chairs at the Dirtville Community Center. Coming up at six, we have the story about how the Dirtville community banded together to raise the $200 that they needed to replace the folding chairs. That’s all for now – but be sure to join us at six for much more, including a recap of the heated Spitsburg town meeting that resulted in the controversial decision to purchase two wheels of cheese for every town meeting. See you at six!