Internet Self-Diagnosis

  1. Powerful electronic method of turning caffeine headaches into terminal brain cancer
  2. Powerful electronic magic trick, turning anything into cancer
  3. A terrible, backwards lottery that consistently awards the worst result, in spite of terrible odds

Usage Example: “Through the standard process of internet self-diagnosis, I am certain that this skin problem is leprosy.”

Background: In the minds of web surfers, the internet has been successfully turning IBS into colon cancer since 1996. Large amounts of good medical information exists on the internet. However, this medical information is often used in strange ways.

When questions arise about an unexplained medical symptom, many people seek answers from Google. This initial internet search inevitably leads the patient to a list of symptoms for a terminal illness. After realizing that the patient is exhibiting two of the ten symptoms listed for a particular cancer, the patient becomes concerned. The patient then embarks in additional searches which lead to more websites and discussion boards. The patient’s anxiety begins to grow as he/she reads accounts of people with symptoms just like them, who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. After more searches, the patient has completed the diagnosis. In spite of staggering odds and few symptoms, the patient is terminally ill.

This diagnosis is reached after reading hundreds of accounts from anonymous hypochondriacs who have untold minutes of experience in diagnosing medical conditions.

In many ways, the internet is the greatest lawyer of all time. Using only the slightest of circumstantial evidence, the internet can easily convince normally reasonable people that they are dying of smallpox.

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Vaccine

  1. A specially designed biological substance used to cause fights on the internet
  2. An excuse to poke children with sharp metal objects

Usage Example: “This website says that the chicken pox vaccine contains at least 5% pure hatred. I’m calling my congressman.”

Background: Politics, religion and Star Wars all have a rich history of causing fights on the internet. However, by the early 2000s, these topics had grown stale. As a result, new topics were being frantically developed in internet aggression labs throughout the world. Proven fight starters such as “diets” and “climate change” were released during this time. However, no one could have anticipated that the most powerful fight starter of this era would be the vaccine.

It is a surprising fact that vaccines have actually been around for many years. Prior to Al Gore’s creation of the internet, vaccines were developed to cause fights through other mediums. Multiple studies showed that vaccines were quite effective at causing telegraph arguments and postal fights. In later years, they were proven at least 80% effective at eradicating telephone peace.

However, it wasn’t until the internet era that the vaccine’s true potential to start fights could be realized. After literally tens of hours of internet research, vaccines were found to contain mercury, tissue stolen from third-world slaves, hateful feeling and bits of neglected dollars cast aside by greedy pharmaceutical companies. However, the most startling revelation was that almost all vaccines contained small amounts of dangerous and even deadly diseases. The internet was shocked, and the fight was on. Everyone took sides. On one side, the greedy pharmaceutical companies were looking to pump everyone full of dangerous drugs. On the other side, people with several minutes of medical research experience from the loudest internet sources were fighting back. Simply mentioning the word “vaccine” would almost instantly result in heavy CAPS LOCK usage, multiple blog links, and (for some reason) occasional Jenny McCarthy sightings.

While vaccines were developed as a nuclear fight-starter, they also have a strange side effect. One major side effect of vaccine usage is the eradication of disease. The disappearance of diseases like polio have sometimes been linked to vaccine usage. While this link may not be conclusively proven on the internet, the vaccine’s effectiveness in starting fights cannot be disputed.

Detoxifying Cleanse

  1. Pills, juices or extreme diet plans used to make people feel better about eating a whole pack of Oreos
  2. Powerful strain of snake oil designed to rid users of their toxic money
  3. Proof that the word “toxin” is the scariest and most misunderstood word in the English language

Usage Example: “You should try this new detox cleanse. I did it, and I felt awful afterward… So it must have worked.”

Background: The internet loves detoxifying cleanses. And, as everyone knows, the internet is well regarded for its fine judgment and dedication to the truth. That $200 Target gift card offer may have been fake, and the “Obama Grant” may have been a scam, but these “miracle cleanses” absolutely work.

Detoxifying cleanses are everywhere. There are special cleanses for livers, colons, weight loss, and every other human organ or conceivable situation. Cleanses work on a simple premise: people have money to spend and value the medical opinions of anyone other than medical professionals. After all, doctors have been bought and sold by the pharmaceutical companies. They aren’t interested in real health.

Do you know who is interested in real health? This guy Chad in Chula Vista – that’s who. He developed a supplement so powerful that it will cleanse your colon of toxins and help you lose that stubborn belly fat – fast! Just send him $300, and he will send you a box of supercharged powders to mix with your favorite fresh juices. Drink only the supercharged juices for a week, and you will jump start your weight loss! It doesn’t matter that foregoing food for a week will cause anyone to lose weight; regardless of what meth-lab chemicals are added to juices.

People have a strong appetite for snake oil, and purveyors of cleanses are happy to supply it.