Political Party Convention

1.     Crazy hat fashion show

2.     An excuse for adults to behave like children

3.     The balloon industry’s Super Bowl

4.     A lame party’s lame party

Usage Example: “I didn’t come to this party convention to sit behind someone wearing a 3-foot Mount Rushmore hat! I can’t see who’s yelling at us!”

Background: Every four years, American political parties assemble their loneliest members to fill a room and put on a massive crazy-hat fashion show. This fashion show is unlike any other fashion show in the world. It is unique for the following reasons:

– Participants elect a party king or queen, and spend several days yelling about why their fashion show king is the best.

– Participants are expected to revert to childhood. Crazy hats, funny outfits, yelling, name calling, crying and booing are all acceptable and encouraged.

– The show reaches its climax with a tedious speech from the king or queen.

– In a bizarre twist, convention organizers then attempt to kill the new king or queen by dumping tons of balloons on him/her. This tactic has proven completely ineffective and horribly inefficient. It has a 100% failure rate. However, since there is nothing that politicians enjoy more than consistent failure and inefficiency, it will never change.

Advertisements

Facebook Recipe Video

  1. A recipe video recorded from above, at speeds exceeding 2x – specially designed to appear as every other entry in an average Facebook newsfeed
  2. A recipe video starring bacon, cream cheese and/or Pillsbury vacuum-packed refrigerated dough
  3. A video funded by the powerful Crock-Pot Lobby

Usage Example: “That Mexican Fiesta Breakfast Casserole video was amazing! It showed up on my Facebook feed thirty-four times today. I really need to get some turkey sausage and cream cheese and make it.”

Background: In 2015, Facebook recipe videos took over newsfeeds everywhere. These videos were initially funded by the powerful Crock-Pot Lobby as a way to boost the sales and use of underutilized Crock-Pots. However, the subject matter of these videos quickly moved beyond the Crock-Pot.

Some ideologues believe that these videos were designed to teach recipes to be replicated at home. However, the main purpose of these videos is actually to make people hungry and annoyed. By most accounts, these recipes are attempted at home approximately 0% of the time. The plot lines of these videos are shockingly thin, while everything else about them is comprised of bacon and cream cheese.

Most social media experts agree that we are currently in the midst of a recipe video bubble. However, these experts didn’t emerge from their parents’ basements for long enough to predict when the bubble will burst. No one knows for sure, but the recipe video bubble will soon share the same fate as the designer cupcake bubble, self-serve frozen yogurt bubble, Bitstrip bubble, Trivia Crack bubble, Dubsmash bubble, Farmville Bubble and food truck bubble.

Tasty.

Internet Self-Diagnosis

  1. Powerful electronic method of turning caffeine headaches into terminal brain cancer
  2. Powerful electronic magic trick, turning anything into cancer
  3. A terrible, backwards lottery that consistently awards the worst result, in spite of terrible odds

Usage Example: “Through the standard process of internet self-diagnosis, I am certain that this skin problem is leprosy.”

Background: In the minds of web surfers, the internet has been successfully turning IBS into colon cancer since 1996. Large amounts of good medical information exists on the internet. However, this medical information is often used in strange ways.

When questions arise about an unexplained medical symptom, many people seek answers from Google. This initial internet search inevitably leads the patient to a list of symptoms for a terminal illness. After realizing that the patient is exhibiting two of the ten symptoms listed for a particular cancer, the patient becomes concerned. The patient then embarks in additional searches which lead to more websites and discussion boards. The patient’s anxiety begins to grow as he/she reads accounts of people with symptoms just like them, who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. After more searches, the patient has completed the diagnosis. In spite of staggering odds and few symptoms, the patient is terminally ill.

This diagnosis is reached after reading hundreds of accounts from anonymous hypochondriacs who have untold minutes of experience in diagnosing medical conditions.

In many ways, the internet is the greatest lawyer of all time. Using only the slightest of circumstantial evidence, the internet can easily convince normally reasonable people that they are dying of smallpox.

New England Patriots

  1. A purely evil professional cheating organization based in Foxboro, MA
  2. Organization committed to increasing the usage of the suffix “-gate”
  3. Headline factory used by the National Football League (NFL) to keep people talking about the league in its offseason
  4. Charity organization, dedicated to making bad football teams feel better about themselves

Usage Example: “I got selected for an IRS audit?! Why would the New England Patriots do this to me?”

Background: The New England Patriots (aka: Bill Belicheat and Cheating Cheatriots) are the world’s worst cheating organization. The Patriots are dedicated to cheating on a continual basis – sometimes while playing the game of American football. The behavior of the Patriots lies in stark contrast to the perfect behavior and overall upright morals exhibited by all other NFL teams.

Cheating scandals involving the Patriots include (but are certainly not limited to):

  • Spygate: The Patriots broke NFL rules by filming the defensive signals of other NFL teams from the sidelines.
  • Deflategate: Millions of dollars were spent trying to prove that the Patriots let some air out of some footballs.
  • Headsetgate: Teams often complain about radio communication interference at Gillette Stadium and other venues… But the interference at Gillette stadium is clearly the most cheaty.
  • Alamogate: It has been widely reported that the Patriots tipped off General Santa Anna to the location of the Texan resistance at the Alamo. The Patriots believed that this would give them a competitive advantage against the Dallas Cowboys and Houston Texans.
  • Noisegate: The Patriots broke into the Georgia Dome and blasted fake crowd noise during games. This helped the Atlanta Falcons lose games by a smaller margin than usual. They also did this for the Indianapolis Colts.
  • SalaryCapgate: In the late 1990s, the Patriots forced the Denver Broncos to cheat the salary cap. This led to two Super Bowl wins for the Broncos.
  • Ketchupgate: Patriots Tight End Rob Gronkowski was spotted taking extra ketchup packets in the Gillette Stadium cafeteria. The NFL is launching a full investigation to protect the integrity of the fries.
  • Watergate: Patriots Coach Bill Belichick orchestrated a botched break-in at the Watergate Hotel in the early 1970s. Belichick was not initially thought to be involved, but now it is clear that he must have been.
  • Ramgate: The Patriots secretly filmed the St. Louis Rams Super Bowl XXXVI walkthrough, thus guaranteeing that Tom Brady would not throw any interceptions and the Rams would be defeated.
  • Panthergate: The Patriots secretly inserted Jake Delhomme at quarterback for the otherwise unstoppable Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl XXXVIII, thus guaranteeing Carolina’s defeat.
  • Clockgate: The Patriots brainwashed Philadelphia Eagles ownership to allow Andy Reid to manage the clock in the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XXXIX, thus guaranteeing Philadelphia’s defeat.
  • Passgate: The Patriots cheated by firing Coach Pete Carroll in 1999. This led to his eventual hiring in Seattle, which led to Seattle’s dubious decision to pass on the one yard line, which led to the inevitable interception and defeat for the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX. Ted Wells is on the case. By firing Carroll, the Patriots were at least generally aware that all of this would happen.
  • Tripgate: Patriots Coach Bill Belichick shoved Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin onto the edge of the field, leading to the tackle of Ravens player, Jacoby Jones. Some accused Tomlin of trying to trip Jones, but we know better.
  • Enrongate: The Patriots coerced the energy company Enron to adopt Patriot accounting standards.
  • Cokegate: The Patriots covertly introduced the product “New Coke” in the 1980s. They mistakenly believed that this would somehow give them a marked competitive advantage in football games.
  • AshleyMadisongate: The New England Patriots created the adultery website “Ashley Madison” because they really, really like all kinds of cheating.

Prescription Drug Ads

  1. Proof that people would rather take a risk on nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stroke, heart attack, coma and death – than deal with restless legs
  2. Ads presenting an alternate reality, in which scenes of people enjoying life are accompanied by a voice-over warning of the disgusting and terrible things that could happen if a product is actually used
  3. Discriminatory ads failing to offer products to people with liver or kidney problems, and women who are pregnant or may become pregnant
  4. Ads attempting to get men to ask their doctors questions

Usage Example: “Hey doctor, I saw a prescription drug ad for a drug that could help clear up my skin. Is it right for me? I’m cool with all of the diarrhea and death stuff.”

Background: Prescription drug ads seek to do the impossible. They are attempting to get people to buy a product while verbally communicating a list of at least twenty horrible things that could happen if the product is used.

Normally, if a person is approached with the option of dealing with an annoying physical problem or rolling the dice on coma, death, paralysis or permanent muscle spasms – the decision is simple. But tell them all of this while showing people picking apples, playing with grand-kids, or sitting in bathtubs, and people lose their minds.

Prescription drug ads also visually communicate the following:

  • If you have psoriasis and take a drug, you will jump and swim in pools.
  • If you have ED and take a drug, you will suddenly place two bathtubs outside and sit in them.
  • If you are bipolar and take a drug, you will take creepy pictures of kids in sandboxes and walk along the beach.
  • If you have fibromyalgia and take a drug, you will handle potted plants and look at documents on a table… instead of grabbing your shoulder.

Local Television News

  1. A televised method of communicating the possibility that everyone is having fun at the county fair
  2. A televised method of alerting the public that road work on highway 12 could cause traffic slowdowns in front of the feed store
  3. A televised method of sharing heart-warming local stories that really have no impact on your life whatsoever

Usage Example: “Thanks to the local television news, I know that the community center is buying twelve new folding chairs.”

Background: If you don’t live in or around a major city, your local news is coming from places like Bismarck, ND; Bangor, ME or Lynchburg, VA. These local television newscasts include hard-hitting local news and information.

The following is a sample small-town newscast. They all function the exact same way.

Gloria Anchor: Good evening and thanks for joining us on Action 17 News at 5 – I’m Gloria Anchor. Our top story tonight – everyone is having fun at the county fair. For more, Chad Reporter is at the fairgrounds. It looks like everyone is having a great time, Chad!

Chad Reporter: Gloria, you couldn’t be more right. This is the 98th year of the county fair, and everyone is having a great time.

Woman in a flag shirt: We just love the fair. We’re having a great time.

Old Woman: I am ninety-three years old. I’ve been coming to the fair since I was a young girl. I just love the fair.

Chad Reporter (now holding cotton candy): Gloria, everyone is having such a great time here at the fair. If you are interested in joining in on the fun, come on down to the fairgrounds. The fair runs through Sunday. I’d love to stay and chat, but I’m going to head on over to the rickety old Ferris wheel and go to work on this cotton candy!

Gloria Anchor: Mmmm. Save some of that cotton candy for me, Chad!

Chad Reporter: Will do Gloria!

Gloria Anchor: Thanks Chad. And now for a first look at the weather, we turn to Chip Weatherman in our News 17 Weather Center with your First Look Forecast. Chip – How does the weather look for all those fairgoers?

Chip Weatherman: Gloria, for everyone heading out to the fairgrounds, it looks like we’ll have a 60% chance of some light shower activity moving in this afternoon, but don’t let that keep you away from the fair. If some of those showers move in, you can always head indoors to the livestock pavilion until they pass. But, even though we have a 60% chance of rain, everyone at the fair has a 100% chance of fun! And it looks like we can expect some bright sunshine for all the folks heading to the speedway this weekend! I’ll have more at 6:00, including your AccuDoppler17 weekend outlook. Gloria – back to you.

Gloria Anchor: Thanks Chip. And now – Joe Sportsguy with the big game results from Friday night.

Joe Sportsguy: Thanks Gloria. On the high school gridiron, Central beat Regional 17-9, and Westside beat Kennedy 24-21. Join me at 6:00 for updates on the field hockey tournament, a race day preview, and the touching story of a young boy who beat the odds by making his little league team, in spite of suffering from celiac disease.

Gloria Anchor: Thanks Joe. Last week, you may remember the story we brought you about the theft of twelve folding chairs at the Dirtville Community Center. Coming up at six, we have the story about how the Dirtville community banded together to raise the $200 that they needed to replace the folding chairs. That’s all for now – but be sure to join us at six for much more, including a recap of the heated Spitsburg town meeting that resulted in the controversial decision to purchase two wheels of cheese for every town meeting. See you at six!