Parenting

  1. Act of voluntary insanity
  2. The process of filling a house with one’s loud, filthy little clones

Usage Example: “My next parenting milestone will be to successfully get at least 25% of my kids’ lunches into their mouths… Instead of on the floor, chairs, table, clothing, wall, ceiling, toys, siblings, AC vents, school papers, etc.”

Background: At some point (or points) in the lives of many couples, babies are born or adopted. At this time, parents begin the extended period of temporary insanity known as “parenting.”

Parenting has many side effects. These side effects include: sleeplessness, bargaining, yelling, excessive cleaning and even watching children’s television. Some parents have also been observed wearing their children in elaborate harnesses, and many others cart their children around in nylon wheelbarrows known as “strollers.”

Parenting also causes normally sane adults to utter bizarre statements. These statements include:

  1. Hey! Are you doing what I think you’re doing? Not again. Stop eating ants!
  2. Are you stinky? Someone’s stinky. Who’s stinky?
  3. Open wide. Just take one bite. Please. Take this bite. Open up! Here comes the airplane!.. Come on! Open up! I give up. Go ahead. Starve. See what I care… Just take this bite! If you want chocolate, you’ll take this bite.
  4. There’s new episodes of Wild Kratts on all this week! Set the DVR!
  5. No, you can’t wear a cape to the store. <screaming> Sigh… OK, wear the cape.
  6. If you don’t kick and scream at the doctor’s office, we’ll all go out for ice cream!
  7. Stop screaming! I’ll pay you anything to stop screaming. What do you want? Anything! It’s yours! Just stop screaming.
Advertisements

Fire Drill

  1. A loud alarm designed to call large numbers of people to play a game of make-believe
  2. The alarm that cried wolf
  3. Not an actual drill made of fire
  4. A socially acceptable lie

Usage Example: “We had a fire drill at work today. Half of the office stayed in the building, and the other half went outside and drove home.”

Background: Fire alarms are important. In the event of a fire, people need as much warning as possible to make a safe exit from buildings. The fire drill was created, not only to annoy people, but to give people some practice exiting buildings in the event of a real emergency.

The term “fire drill” was invented to scare people. Fire drill pioneers thought that the term “make-believe play-fire” wasn’t terrifying enough. Instead, they opted for the image of a flaming power tool.

Fire drills take place during pre-planned intervals, when someone pulls a prank, or whenever there is any type of construction occurring within 100 feet of any fire alarm hardware. This means that some buildings run many fire drills. Over time, people who have been through many fire drills fail to take them seriously.

The fire drill response is a “choose your own adventure.” There are two ways to respond to a fire drill. The first type of response involves quick action and immediate joy. The drillee is overcome with happiness, because he/she has a perfect excuse to get out of whatever they are doing. This is a common response in schools and some offices.

The second type of response completes the following progression:

  1. Hear the fire drill
  2. Wonder why there are so many fire drills
  3. Sit for a minute and hope it stops
  4. Think of the weather outside.
  5. Decide that it is too hot, cold, rainy, etc.
  6. Hang around for another minute, hoping that the fire alarm will stop
  7. Slowly walk toward the door, still hoping that the fire alarm will stop
  8. Reluctantly walk out the door, just as the fire alarm stops
  9. Turn and walk back in the building

Curious George

  1. The world’s least successful helper monkey
  2. The high maintenance pet of a mentally imbalanced man
  3. A monkey obsessed with seeking revenge on his captor

Usage Example: “Why did the man with the yellow hat leave Curious George alone in a chocolate factory? Is he crazy? Hasn’t he ever seen I Love Lucy?”

Background: Curious George is the potty-trained, ex-con monkey pet of a mentally imbalanced man. This man, known only as “the man with the yellow hat,” always wears an all-yellow safari outfit, complete with a yellow tie and hat. He wears this outfit every day. The man’s choice of wardrobe is a symptom of his delusional belief that he is some kind of monkey-catching super hero in yellow.

The history of Curious George and his mentally imbalanced friend is meticulously recorded in multiple picture books, television shows and movies. A normal person might keep a journal of such events, but the flamboyant man in the yellow hat insisted that all records of his dealings with George be inscribed in picture books.

The man with the yellow hat captured George in a bag during an expedition to Africa. He promptly brought George back to America to serve as his pet/slave/surrogate child (as anyone would). Upon coming to the U.S., George quickly found himself in prison. However, his incarceration was short lived, as he promptly broke out, and began his campaign of revenge against his captor, as a fugitive.

George continued to get into trouble, but the man with the yellow hat is a patient crazy person. He never learns. He will often leave George alone (while he pretends to be a super hero) and ask him to stay out of trouble. However, the vengeful monkey will always cause trouble. He has single-handedly demolished stores, hospitals, restaurants, sporting events, zoos, etc. George commits massive acts of vandalism, grand theft and destruction of property, but since he makes Betsy smile, he avoids any charges. This is disturbing to George. He desperately wants to get the man in trouble for enslaving him, but he always manages to make some kid happy, so all trouble is avoided.

The man’s mental shortcomings are also exhibited in that he insists on treating George like a child. He buys him toys, has him sleep in a child’s bed, and even sends him to school. At one point, he even allowed his primate pet to take on a paper route.

The actions of Curious George and the man with the yellow hat are difficult to understand, unless you have a firm grasp on their history and mental condition.

Cafeteria Smell

  1. The odor of: fried food, mixed with old mop water, mixed with cookies, mixed with bleach, mixed with hot dumpster leavings – that emanates from every cafeteria
  2. A sign that sloppy joes are being served at a given location
  3. A sign that pizza will be served in the form of a soggy rectangle

Usage Example: “I wanted to try that restaurant, but it had that cafeteria smell.”

Background: There is no escaping the cafeteria smell. Every cafeteria, whether it’s found in an elementary school, college, hospital or standalone “buffet” restaurant, has the exact same smell. It doesn’t matter if it tries to make itself upscale, the cafeteria smell will always be present.

The cafeteria smell is a complex bouquet of pleasant and disturbing odors. Due to its complexity, it can be difficult to identify its individual components. However, in spite of its complexity, the cafeteria smell is instantly recognizable. One single whiff of cafeteria smell immediately takes a victim back to standing in line at an elementary school cafeteria, waiting for his chicken patty sandwich, pudding, chocolate milk and carrot sticks.

The cafeteria smell is comprised of equal parts of odors from the following categories:

  1. The food category
  2. The cleaning supply category
  3. The dumpster category

This combination creates a smell that is somewhat appealing and somewhat revolting at the same time. Cafeteria smell is the primary distinguishing characteristic of any cafeteria-style dining establishment.

GO-GURT

  1. Yoplait yogurt-like product in a disconcertingly soft plastic tube
  2. Yogurt-like product designed to break the back of the spoon monopoly

Usage Example: “Dude. I just ate five GO-GURTs at lunch. I think they were Sponge Bob flavored.”

Background: Ever since yogurt was created, it has been held captive by the spoon industry. Yogurt consumers were forced to use a spoon to eat their cultured, thick, spoiled milk products. However, one courageous product dared to defy the massive pro-spoon lobby: GO-GURT.

For years, the market has demanded a yogurt-like product that can be disgustingly sucked through a floppy plastic tube. Thankfully, the good people at Yoplait finally dared to defy logic and the spoon lobby to create such a product.

GO-GURT not only delivers a slimy product that can be eaten/drank through a thin plastic tube, but it also delivers innovative flavors. GO-GURT is offered in flavors that range from “Cool Cotton Candy” and “Burstin’ Berry Melon” to “Sponge Bob” and “Phineas & Ferb”. Kids are smart consumers. They had long desired a yogurt product with the musty flavor of a socially awkward sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea. GO-GURT was courageous enough to create it.

Lunchables

  1. Prepackaged lunch product that pretends that it’s normal to eat cold chicken nuggets
  2. Prepackaged lunch product that pretends that it’s normal to eat uncooked pizza
  3. Physical proof that kids consistently make terrible decisions

Usage Example: “Can we buy these Lunchables?! Please?! I want the one with the cold, uncooked pepperoni pizza!”

Background: Kraft Lunchables operate on a simple premise: kids will beg their parents for whatever they see in commercials. It doesn’t really matter what is being sold, if it has a loud and colorful commercial, kids need it.

Lunchables are prepackaged, processed lunch-food-like products that defy logic. Kids like pizza, right? Kraft decided that kids like pizza so much, that they will eat a pizza that is cold an uncooked. They also decided that kids should like cold chicken nuggets.

Well… Kraft was right. Apparently, kids will eat these things. Kids have long enjoyed a rich history of poor decision making. From the Children’s Crusade, to Slime Time Live, to Furby and Justin Bieber  – kids have a way of consistently making horrendous choices. Lunchables are just another ridiculous product making money off of the frighteningly bad logic of our children.

Now, I need to end this post and grab a piece of cold pizza from the fridge…

Toys

  1. Expensive floor covering for children’s rooms
  2. Highly refined materials for an indoor minefield

Usage Example: “If you don’t clean up your toys this instant…we’ll probably clean them up for you…so we don’t kill ourselves.”

Background: Toys follow a predictable and rapid lifecycle. The “Toy Cycle” progresses along the following steps:

  1. Kid begs for toy
  2. Parent buys toy
  3. Kid plays with toy for 7.5 minutes
  4. Kid breaks toy
  5. Toy becomes an expensive floor covering

That’s basically it.

Kids trick parents into buying toys, so that they can immediately break them and set them up as elaborate booby traps for parents. Kids can instinctively navigate a minefield of toys on the floor, but parents step on every Lego and Ninja Turtle.

The process of breaking toys and leaving them on the floor is often referred to as “refining” or “enriching” the toys. Kids throughout the world are enriching toys every day. There is a vast army of tiny people setting up entire rooms full of highly refined toys right under our noses.

Unreliable sources have reported that all kids receive special training in “creative terrorism” at a secret KGB facility in Vladivostok. It is at this facility where all kids learn about the toy cycle, and how to use it to initiate acts of creative terrorism against their parents.

Nerds

  1. Tiny, waxy pieces of candy gravel
  2. Fun and easy way of ingesting car wax

Usage Example: “Did you put your mouth on this box of Nerds?”

Background:  All kids love to eat rocks. The trailblazing candy developers at Nestle banked on this premise when they created Nerds candy.

Today, Nerds are the top selling candy in the crowded “candy gravel” market. Nerds combine all the fun of eating handfuls of gravel, with the benefits of ingesting Turtle Wax. Nerds contain a substance called carnauba wax. This wax is commonly used in shoe polish and car wax. The public has long demanded that car wax enter the candy market, and Nerds is one of the products to make it happen.

Nerds are often sold in cardboard boxes with two separate compartments. This allows two flavors of Nerds to be packaged together. This packaging also invites kids to put their mouths on the box when eating them. Always assume that anyone offering you an open box of Nerds has already put their mouths on the box.

In the days following the initial release of Nerds candy, the public wondered how long it would take until Nestle decided to plaster Nerds all over a gummy rope. The answer is: way too long. Finally, the makers of Nerds caved to the inevitable and released the Nerds Rope. It was only a matter of time.

Fundraiser

  1. Punishment for parents
  2. Event designed to teach kids a valuable life lesson: If you don’t do what is required of you, someone else will do it for you.

Usage Example: “Your class is selling candy bars for a fundraiser?.. I’ll write the check now.”

Background: Schools, athletic teams and clubs will often hold fundraisers to punish the parents of participants.

Fundraisers are intended to generate money to help cover the operating costs of participating organizations. The people in charge of the fundraiser will say that it provides a great way for a group of 10 year-olds to get some sales experience. They say that it will teach them valuable life lessons. They will dispatch this group of children to exploit their social networks in order to keep the band program running.

This newly minted group of tiny door-to-door sales people then march out of the school determined to drop the box of coupon books on the kitchen counter and never think of them again.

Two days before the money is due at the school, the parents ask about the box on the counter. The kid mentions that it is for “some kind of fundraiser or something.” The parents then take the coupon books to work and attempt to sell them to their coworkers. After selling a few, they write a check for the remaining amount, so Mr. Fields, the band director, doesn’t break their legs in the driveway for failing to meet the payment deadline.

At this point, the circle of life is complete. Every fundraiser works the same way, every time.

Lucky Charms

  1. Magically delicious boxes of breakfast sugar
  2. Breakfast crack-for-kids which successfully redefined the word “marshmallow”

Usage Example: “Since eating a bowl of Skittles isn’t socially acceptable, I’ll settle for some Lucky Charms.”

Background: Lucky Charms is a breakfast sugar product sold by the General Mills food company. It is composed of delicious, sugary chunks of Styrofoam that are branded as “marshmallows,” and an unidentifiable filler product.

To most kids, Lucky Charms is the holy grail of breakfast cereals. Approximately 100% of kids have asked their parents to buy it for them at some point. However, relatively few parents agree to the deal. The cereal is called Lucky Charms, because kids who end up with a box feel like they have a winning lottery ticket – a lottery ticket that guarantees a prize package of several trips to the dentist.

Lucky Charms completely redefined breakfast. Before Lucky Charms, few people consumed bowls of sugar for breakfast. Now, this practice is commonplace. This innovation has greatly advanced the social acceptance of the leprechaun and elf communities.

Despite all of this, the most culturally significant contribution of Lucky Charms is the fact that it successfully redefined the word marshmallow. Lucky Charms claims to be full of marshmallows. Absolutely no one questions that this claim is true. However, upon closer examination, Lucky Charms is actually full of brightly colored, sugary chunks of Styrofoam. These chunks barely resemble marshmallows, but society has accepted that they are marshmallows. This shows the sugary power of Lucky Charms.

Lucky Charms is a magical part of a complete childhood obesity plan.