Facebook Recipe Video

  1. A recipe video recorded from above, at speeds exceeding 2x – specially designed to appear as every other entry in an average Facebook newsfeed
  2. A recipe video starring bacon, cream cheese and/or Pillsbury vacuum-packed refrigerated dough
  3. A video funded by the powerful Crock-Pot Lobby

Usage Example: “That Mexican Fiesta Breakfast Casserole video was amazing! It showed up on my Facebook feed thirty-four times today. I really need to get some turkey sausage and cream cheese and make it.”

Background: In 2015, Facebook recipe videos took over newsfeeds everywhere. These videos were initially funded by the powerful Crock-Pot Lobby as a way to boost the sales and use of underutilized Crock-Pots. However, the subject matter of these videos quickly moved beyond the Crock-Pot.

Some ideologues believe that these videos were designed to teach recipes to be replicated at home. However, the main purpose of these videos is actually to make people hungry and annoyed. By most accounts, these recipes are attempted at home approximately 0% of the time. The plot lines of these videos are shockingly thin, while everything else about them is comprised of bacon and cream cheese.

Most social media experts agree that we are currently in the midst of a recipe video bubble. However, these experts didn’t emerge from their parents’ basements for long enough to predict when the bubble will burst. No one knows for sure, but the recipe video bubble will soon share the same fate as the designer cupcake bubble, self-serve frozen yogurt bubble, Bitstrip bubble, Trivia Crack bubble, Dubsmash bubble, Farmville Bubble and food truck bubble.

Tasty.

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Internet Self-Diagnosis

  1. Powerful electronic method of turning caffeine headaches into terminal brain cancer
  2. Powerful electronic magic trick, turning anything into cancer
  3. A terrible, backwards lottery that consistently awards the worst result, in spite of terrible odds

Usage Example: “Through the standard process of internet self-diagnosis, I am certain that this skin problem is leprosy.”

Background: In the minds of web surfers, the internet has been successfully turning IBS into colon cancer since 1996. Large amounts of good medical information exists on the internet. However, this medical information is often used in strange ways.

When questions arise about an unexplained medical symptom, many people seek answers from Google. This initial internet search inevitably leads the patient to a list of symptoms for a terminal illness. After realizing that the patient is exhibiting two of the ten symptoms listed for a particular cancer, the patient becomes concerned. The patient then embarks in additional searches which lead to more websites and discussion boards. The patient’s anxiety begins to grow as he/she reads accounts of people with symptoms just like them, who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. After more searches, the patient has completed the diagnosis. In spite of staggering odds and few symptoms, the patient is terminally ill.

This diagnosis is reached after reading hundreds of accounts from anonymous hypochondriacs who have untold minutes of experience in diagnosing medical conditions.

In many ways, the internet is the greatest lawyer of all time. Using only the slightest of circumstantial evidence, the internet can easily convince normally reasonable people that they are dying of smallpox.

Vaccine

  1. A specially designed biological substance used to cause fights on the internet
  2. An excuse to poke children with sharp metal objects

Usage Example: “This website says that the chicken pox vaccine contains at least 5% pure hatred. I’m calling my congressman.”

Background: Politics, religion and Star Wars all have a rich history of causing fights on the internet. However, by the early 2000s, these topics had grown stale. As a result, new topics were being frantically developed in internet aggression labs throughout the world. Proven fight starters such as “diets” and “climate change” were released during this time. However, no one could have anticipated that the most powerful fight starter of this era would be the vaccine.

It is a surprising fact that vaccines have actually been around for many years. Prior to Al Gore’s creation of the internet, vaccines were developed to cause fights through other mediums. Multiple studies showed that vaccines were quite effective at causing telegraph arguments and postal fights. In later years, they were proven at least 80% effective at eradicating telephone peace.

However, it wasn’t until the internet era that the vaccine’s true potential to start fights could be realized. After literally tens of hours of internet research, vaccines were found to contain mercury, tissue stolen from third-world slaves, hateful feeling and bits of neglected dollars cast aside by greedy pharmaceutical companies. However, the most startling revelation was that almost all vaccines contained small amounts of dangerous and even deadly diseases. The internet was shocked, and the fight was on. Everyone took sides. On one side, the greedy pharmaceutical companies were looking to pump everyone full of dangerous drugs. On the other side, people with several minutes of medical research experience from the loudest internet sources were fighting back. Simply mentioning the word “vaccine” would almost instantly result in heavy CAPS LOCK usage, multiple blog links, and (for some reason) occasional Jenny McCarthy sightings.

While vaccines were developed as a nuclear fight-starter, they also have a strange side effect. One major side effect of vaccine usage is the eradication of disease. The disappearance of diseases like polio have sometimes been linked to vaccine usage. While this link may not be conclusively proven on the internet, the vaccine’s effectiveness in starting fights cannot be disputed.

BuzzFeed

  1. Internet-based service providing assessments for users to finally determine their 90s movie persona
  2. Internet based service providing videos of people trying different foods, for some reason
  3. Internet based service providing random news stories, mixed in with multiple lists about why it’s good to be short
  4. Internet based service providing thousands of lists composed entirely of annoying GIFs

Usage Example: “Thanks to BuzzFeed, I finally have the answer to how well I know the theme from “A Different World”.

Background: BuzzFeed is a powerful player in the crowded world of narcissistic news, video, quiz and recipe providers. By all accounts, BuzzFeed is the primary ADD news provider to the key 15-19 year old demographic. BuzzFeed is also successful in luring in an older audience to take their quizzes, make their recipes and read hundreds of lists about 90s products.

Of all of the random, GIF based content on BuzzFeed, the quizzes are the cornerstone of its offerings. Buzzfeed offers a mind numbing array of “me-based” quizzes designed to provide the children of helicopter parents with answers that can’t be found anywhere else. They are the only online quiz service courageous enough to offer a method of determining which Guy Fieri catchphrase matches your Zodiac sign. Finally. Thank you, BuzzFeed.

Whenever you are concerned about the future of our nation and the world, remember that BuzzFeed is providing our news and information. Then go hide under a table and await the apocalypse… while you take a quiz to determine which tv show apartment you should live in.

Detoxifying Cleanse

  1. Pills, juices or extreme diet plans used to make people feel better about eating a whole pack of Oreos
  2. Powerful strain of snake oil designed to rid users of their toxic money
  3. Proof that the word “toxin” is the scariest and most misunderstood word in the English language

Usage Example: “You should try this new detox cleanse. I did it, and I felt awful afterward… So it must have worked.”

Background: The internet loves detoxifying cleanses. And, as everyone knows, the internet is well regarded for its fine judgment and dedication to the truth. That $200 Target gift card offer may have been fake, and the “Obama Grant” may have been a scam, but these “miracle cleanses” absolutely work.

Detoxifying cleanses are everywhere. There are special cleanses for livers, colons, weight loss, and every other human organ or conceivable situation. Cleanses work on a simple premise: people have money to spend and value the medical opinions of anyone other than medical professionals. After all, doctors have been bought and sold by the pharmaceutical companies. They aren’t interested in real health.

Do you know who is interested in real health? This guy Chad in Chula Vista – that’s who. He developed a supplement so powerful that it will cleanse your colon of toxins and help you lose that stubborn belly fat – fast! Just send him $300, and he will send you a box of supercharged powders to mix with your favorite fresh juices. Drink only the supercharged juices for a week, and you will jump start your weight loss! It doesn’t matter that foregoing food for a week will cause anyone to lose weight; regardless of what meth-lab chemicals are added to juices.

People have a strong appetite for snake oil, and purveyors of cleanses are happy to supply it.

Bumper Sticker

  1. Analog tool for broadcasting a driver’s thoughts and opinions to a small group of followers
  2. Old-school Twitter for drivers

Usage Example: “I think I’ll vote for that political candidate. The bumper sticker on the car in front of me is displaying his name.”

Background:  Bumper stickers primarily exist for the following reasons:

  1. To display “Grateful Dead” logos
  2. To tell people to coexist
  3. To display the names of political candidates
  4. To communicate the possibility that a driver has allegedly completed a marathon
  5. To display three letters in an oval

Bumper stickers tend to travel in packs. They are rarely spotted alone. It also appears that the adhesive material on the back of bumper stickers clings best to the following vehicles: the Toyota Prius, any Volkswagen, Volvo station wagons, hatchbacks and fifteen passenger vans.

The concept behind the bumper sticker formed the foundation for the social media service “Twitter”. Twitter successfully created (and maintains) a digital bumper sticker service. Bumper stickers and Twitter both allow users communicate brief opinions to groups of followers.

It is also important to note, that while Twitter opinions are often absurd and completely ignored; bumper sticker messages are often absurd and completely ignored.

Cable Company

  1. Entertainment delivery company that provides customers with ten channels they want, 200 channels they don’t want, and internet service that kind-of works most of the time
  2. Entertainment delivery company that constantly tells customers that their calls are important to them, but no one actually believes that statement

Usage Example: “The cable company is giving us 32 Starz channels free for three months. If we forget to cancel, it will only cost an addition $250 per month.”

Background: For most cable customers, the journey begins with a desire to watch ESPN, the Food Network, HGTV, AMC or their favorite politically-affiliated cable news channel. Prospective customers then contact their local monopoly cable company, and a bizarre shopping experience ensues.

If groceries were purchased like cable, the sale would look like this:

Customer: Hi, I’d like to buy this milk.

Salesman: OK, great! We are currently running an incredible promotion! You get the milk, eggs, Slim Jims, Doritos, corn meal, multi-colored mini marshmallows, a Swiffer, and a gallon of peanut oil for only $30 per month for the first 12 months.

Customer: I really only want the milk.

Salesman: We can’t just sell you the milk. We are giving you a great opportunity to get so much more! And you’ll get all of these groceries every month for the duration of your two year contract!

Customer: But… I won’t use the other groceries. And, two years is a long time…

Salesman: We are also willing to throw in six extra-large bags of dog food, free for 3 months.

Customer: But I don’t have a dog. And what happens after 3 months?

Salesman: It’s only an additional $60 per month! When would you like your grocery service to begin?

Customer: Well, I really want the milk, so I guess I’ll sign up.

Salesman: Great! A delivery technician will hopefully bring the groceries to your house sometime between Wednesday at 8:00am and Next Tuesday at 3:00pm.

And, after that exchange, the cable experience begins. Customers are repeatedly told that their calls are important to the cable companies, and the harsh reality of cable quickly sets in: for every ESPN or HBO, there are at least twenty Oxygens.

Android Applications

  1. Mobile software applications requiring access to all of a user’s data, possessions, hopes and dreams
  2. High-maintenance mobile software applications requiring updates and fixes approximately every eight seconds

Usage Example: “This Android app just asked for permission to search through my closets.”

Background: Using an Android phone is like having a terrible family road-trip in your pocket. All of your apps are constantly whining about something, and they simply will not stop.

Approximately every eight seconds, an Android app asks its owner a question. Here are some examples:

  • Calculator: “I have bugs, can I update myself?”
  • Facebook: “I noticed that you have some data on your phone that I can’t access yet… Please update me and give me access to it.”
  • Angry Birds: “Update me! I found a new way for your kids to spend your money by mistake!”
  • Google: “I have some cryptic problem that you wouldn’t understand… But it’s really important, so update me now!”
  • Facebook: “Hey – I see that you have some DMV records on your phone…Time to give ‘em up, pal!”
  • Android System: “Hey! I have an update. Time to take your phone offline and watch a spinning tesseract in the belly of a green robot for an hour and a half.”
  • Google Hindi Input: “I bet you didn’t even know I was here! Well, I need an update. You never know when you might make that trip to India.”
  • Facebook: “About your medical records…”

Snopes.com

  1. A powerful electronic hammer used to destroy the coolest internet stories about products containing dangerous toxins, spider eggs and horse meat
  2. A powerful electronic hammer used to destroy friendships

Usage Example: “Um, actually, Beanie Babies aren’t filled with brown recluse spider eggs. Next time, check Snopes: http://www.snopes.com/media/notnews/beaniebabyspiders.asp.”

Background: Snopes.com has been crushing internet rumors and destroying friendships since 1995.

True

Humans love good rumors. Humans love conspiracies. Humans love the idea that KFC had to change its name from Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC because their “chicken” isn’t actually chicken meat, but genetically modified organisms. http://www.snopes.com/food/tainted/kfc.asp

False

And, because we all love a good “Rosie O’Donell has an ISIS tattoo” story (http://www.snopes.com/media/notnews/rosietattoo.asp), Snopes is here to set us straight. However, it is important to note that Snopes.com is also a powerful weapon. When a friend posts a story on Facebook about Arizona Iced Tea containing human urine, and your response begins with the word “Actually” and ends with “http://www.snopes.com/media/notnews/arizonatea.asp”, the “Snopes hammer” has struck. Another round is complete in the never-ending social media battle to always be right and have the last word.

Mixture

Failing to use the Snopes Hammer tactfully directly results in the loss of friends. This loss then leads to depression, which leads to binge-watching the first three seasons of The Golden Girls over a single weekend.

On the other hand, one who learns to wield the power of the Snopes Hammer with tact becomes a:

Legend