Super Glue

  1. A super method of conjoining multiple fingers
  2. Product used to create a super annoying, hard shell on human fingertips
  3. Adhesive product sold to people who live life without fear
  4. Disappointing super hero

Usage Example: “I worked so hard to keep that super glue off of my fingers! Why? Why!? I hate you, super glue shell!”

Background: Super glue is a strong adhesive product that is sold in unreasonably tiny quantities to people who live life on the edge.

Super glue bottles are often so small, that the product’s volume is measured in grams. These measurements allow super glue buyers to pretend that they are actually buying illegal drugs or black-market diamonds.

Super glue consumers live life in the fast lane. They have already made a determination that normal glue won’t meet their needs. They seek the most powerful products available. Super glue consumers laugh in the face of danger. They stare down the adhesive product in the tiny, futuristic bottle with no fear of permanently attaching a couple of fingers. They exhibit no trepidation about the fingertip shell that certainly awaits them.

However, despite the boldness of the super glue user, the endgame is always the same. Super glue doesn’t successfully hold the broken product together, but it does successfully hold a few fingers together.

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Toys

  1. Expensive floor covering for children’s rooms
  2. Highly refined materials for an indoor minefield

Usage Example: “If you don’t clean up your toys this instant…we’ll probably clean them up for you…so we don’t kill ourselves.”

Background: Toys follow a predictable and rapid lifecycle. The “Toy Cycle” progresses along the following steps:

  1. Kid begs for toy
  2. Parent buys toy
  3. Kid plays with toy for 7.5 minutes
  4. Kid breaks toy
  5. Toy becomes an expensive floor covering

That’s basically it.

Kids trick parents into buying toys, so that they can immediately break them and set them up as elaborate booby traps for parents. Kids can instinctively navigate a minefield of toys on the floor, but parents step on every Lego and Ninja Turtle.

The process of breaking toys and leaving them on the floor is often referred to as “refining” or “enriching” the toys. Kids throughout the world are enriching toys every day. There is a vast army of tiny people setting up entire rooms full of highly refined toys right under our noses.

Unreliable sources have reported that all kids receive special training in “creative terrorism” at a secret KGB facility in Vladivostok. It is at this facility where all kids learn about the toy cycle, and how to use it to initiate acts of creative terrorism against their parents.

Tiny House

  1. A large dollhouse on a trailer
  2. Covert status symbol in the housing arms race

Usage Example: “People in big houses are so materialistic… I can’t wait to buy all of these specialized materials to build my tiny house. That will show everyone how non-materialistic I am.”

Background: In order to combat the perceived materialism found in the large American home, a group of men in skinny-jeans reacted in the only sane way possible: they built large dollhouses on trailers and wedged themselves into them.

The tiny house movement started booming after the mortgage crisis of 2008. This was a time in which people sought simpler ways of living. People wanted fewer material possessions, and desired to be tightly wrapped in building materials. They disdained the large American house as a wasteful status symbol, and embraced the tiny house as a fun-sized status symbol.

The tiny house movement represents the latest step in the time-honored American tradition of one-upping friends and family through better living arrangements. Americans have been engaging in this housing arms race since the 1950’s. As a result, the average American home continued to grow in size. This trend persisted until even the most creative mortgages couldn’t sustain any further growth. Left with few options, the tiny house pioneers decided to one-up the owners of the largest homes by declaring them “materialistic.” They then chose to move into homemade shoeboxes, in the ultimate show of one-upsmanship.

In essence, the tiny house advocates picked up the ball and went home… but when they got there, they couldn’t actually fit the ball in their homes, unless they folded up the stairs and desk first.