1. Crazy hat fashion show
2. An excuse for adults to behave like children
3. The balloon industry’s Super Bowl
4. A lame party’s lame party
Usage Example: “I didn’t come to this party convention to sit behind someone wearing a 3-foot Mount Rushmore hat! I can’t see who’s yelling at us!”
Background: Every four years, American political parties assemble their loneliest members to fill a room and put on a massive crazy-hat fashion show. This fashion show is unlike any other fashion show in the world. It is unique for the following reasons:
– Participants elect a party king or queen, and spend several days yelling about why their fashion show king is the best.
– Participants are expected to revert to childhood. Crazy hats, funny outfits, yelling, name calling, crying and booing are all acceptable and encouraged.
– The show reaches its climax with a tedious speech from the king or queen.
– In a bizarre twist, convention organizers then attempt to kill the new king or queen by dumping tons of balloons on him/her. This tactic has proven completely ineffective and horribly inefficient. It has a 100% failure rate. However, since there is nothing that politicians enjoy more than consistent failure and inefficiency, it will never change.
- Crazy plan hatched by drunken frat boys that somehow worked
- Annual event that somehow missed the whole “feminism” thing
Usage Example: “The Miss US American beauty pageant will air at 12:35am on the Spike3 channel.”
Background: It should have never worked. After a night of drinking, a group of frat boys decided that they wanted to hold an event in which they could gawk at beautiful women. They called this event a “beauty pageant”.
The beauty pageant would contain the following steps:
- Open with an awkwardly choreographed musical number. During this opening: -Each participant must wear a sash containing the name of her home state -Each participant must confidently strut to the front of the stage and frighteningly shout her name and home town, at the top of her lungs -Each participant must smile with an unnaturally enormous smile the entire time.
- Immediately after the opening number, heartlessly cut at least ½ of the participants.
- Force the remaining participants to individually walk around the stage in swimsuits and evening gowns.
- Heartlessly cut more participants.
- Some pageants contain a hilarious talent portion at this time.
- In order to add some legitimacy to the event, participants are forced to talk for a few seconds. If the participants fail to do well at the talking portion, they will be mocked forever on YouTube.
- The final two or three participants nervously hold hands, while the host calls out the name of the winner.
- The losers then act like they are happy for the winner, while the winner cries.
- A tiara is placed on the winner’s head. This tiara is later pawned for scholarship money.
There may be easier ways to obtain scholarship money, but no one knows about them.
In spite of the insanity of these events, beauty pageants have somehow survived for many years. Beauty pageants are held on an annual basis in such glamorous locations as Atlantic City, Shreveport and Reno.
- Holiday created by the necktie industry
- Annual participation award given to fathers
Usage Example: “We’re going all out for Father’s Day this year. I’m sending my father a tie and giving him a phone call.”
Background: Mothers grow children inside of their bodies and painfully push them out. Fathers observe this process, eat sandwiches and watch football. In a father’s mind, this makes fathers even with mothers. This idea is the basic concepts of Father’s Day.
In the wild, fathers are occasionally observed wearing neckties. However, over the past forty years, necktie usage by fathers has been declining at rate of approximately 2% each year. Because of this, the necktie industry created Father’s Day.
Father’s Day was designed as a participation award for fathers. As a reward for a strong #2 position in the parenting process, children are encouraged to give their fathers neckties. Kids know that men love tying silky cloth nooses around their necks, and the necktie industry takes advantage of this fact.
Neckties are strips of fabric that are specially designed to serve as flashy closet filler for 364 days each year. On average, a necktie is taken out of a father’s closet for one funeral, court appearance or job interview each year. In spite of this low usage rate, a father has an average of 37 ties hanging in his closet. And, because of Father’s Day, the average father has purchased zero of those ties himself. Strangely, fathers are always happy to receive and store additional ties from kids, even if they never actually serve as non-lethal nooses for him.
Happy Father’s Day!
- The two-minute period in May when America decides that it cares about horse racing
- Showcase for the stunning athleticism exhibited by tiny men sitting on horses
- Excuse for insanity
Usage Example: “I can’t believe that ‘Canadian Kaiser’ has 12-1 odds in the Kentucky derby! If I didn’t just find out he existed 10 minutes ago, I would have put some money on him.”
Background: Each May, there is a two minute period of time that causes America to lose its collective mind. The Kentucky Derby has a strange effect on people.
This event causes thousands of people who couldn’t care less about horse racing, to descend on Churchill Downs in order to engage in strange behavior. Women choose to mark the occasion by wearing the largest hats that sweatshops can produce. Men choose to wear white shoes and pastel colors. Many of them will wear bow ties or dress like Ben Matlock. They also choose to drink mint juleps. This is a beverage that only exists at Churchill Downs in May.
On Kentucky Derby day, everyone becomes a horse racing expert. Many people will “have a feeling” about a horse that they had been following for a solid eight minutes. In the hour leading up to the race, NBC runs tear-jerking stories about the horses and that one jockey’s struggle to win the big race after battling addiction and defeat. The public picks their favorite horses during this coverage, or based on which jockey wears the most flamboyant shirt. That is basically all we know about horse racing.
- A poorly played game of hide-and-seek with a scalp
- Effective method of communicating baldness
- Haircut of deception
Usage Example: “Lester has a comb over? I had no idea. I always thought he had an incredibly smooth and flat haircut.”
Background: Nothing screams “I’m bald” like a good old fashioned comb over. The comb over is intended to deceive people into thinking that the wearer has a full head of hair. However, the comb over is as effective at hiding baldness as the duck-and-cover method is at providing protection from a nuclear blast.
Unfortunately, in all of human history, the comb over has only fooled one person: a legally-blind individual named Randy, from Warwick, RI. In spite of its incredibly low success rate, the comb over is still utilized. Like a child covering his eyes and saying that you can’t see him, the comb over vainly pretends that no one can see the scalp underneath it.
In the wild, the comb over’s native habitat includes local post offices, the Old Country Buffet and wherever Donald Trump is currently located.