Parenting

  1. Act of voluntary insanity
  2. The process of filling a house with one’s loud, filthy little clones

Usage Example: “My next parenting milestone will be to successfully get at least 25% of my kids’ lunches into their mouths… Instead of on the floor, chairs, table, clothing, wall, ceiling, toys, siblings, AC vents, school papers, etc.”

Background: At some point (or points) in the lives of many couples, babies are born or adopted. At this time, parents begin the extended period of temporary insanity known as “parenting.”

Parenting has many side effects. These side effects include: sleeplessness, bargaining, yelling, excessive cleaning and even watching children’s television. Some parents have also been observed wearing their children in elaborate harnesses, and many others cart their children around in nylon wheelbarrows known as “strollers.”

Parenting also causes normally sane adults to utter bizarre statements. These statements include:

  1. Hey! Are you doing what I think you’re doing? Not again. Stop eating ants!
  2. Are you stinky? Someone’s stinky. Who’s stinky?
  3. Open wide. Just take one bite. Please. Take this bite. Open up! Here comes the airplane!.. Come on! Open up! I give up. Go ahead. Starve. See what I care… Just take this bite! If you want chocolate, you’ll take this bite.
  4. There’s new episodes of Wild Kratts on all this week! Set the DVR!
  5. No, you can’t wear a cape to the store. <screaming> Sigh… OK, wear the cape.
  6. If you don’t kick and scream at the doctor’s office, we’ll all go out for ice cream!
  7. Stop screaming! I’ll pay you anything to stop screaming. What do you want? Anything! It’s yours! Just stop screaming.
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Picnic

  1. Edible landing pad for flies and other insects
  2. Event containing a high volume of confirmed potato salad sightings
  3. Opportunity to eat food outdoors, while constantly holding down napkins and paper plates

Usage Example: “I love to go on picnics!… until I actually get there.”

Background: Picnics are a lot like communism. They look like great ideas on paper, but they don’t work in the real world.

The picnic process contains the following steps:

  1. Plan and pack food and beverages, such as: salad, potato salad, pasta salad, egg salad, and any other salad that the picnickers wouldn’t normally eat at home, but think that they will enjoy in the wilderness for some reason.
  2. Hope is doesn’t rain… Hope it isn’t too hot… Hope it isn’t too windy…Hope that the conditions outdoors are exactly like the conditions indoors.
  3. Drag 30lbs of food and beverages to the wilderness.
  4. Find a dry place to sit down and begin unpacking food.
  5. Dodge insects.
  6. Spend the duration of the picnic pretending to like warm potato salad.
  7. Spend the duration of the picnic shielding eyes from the blazing sun.
  8. Spend the duration of the picnic trying to eat while simultaneously keeping napkins and paper plates from blowing away.
  9. Spend the duration of the picnic trying to eat while constantly swatting at flies.
  10. Frantically pack everything up when the rain starts.
  11. Drive away from the wilderness.
  12. On the way home, stop at the Wendy’s drive-through to get some food.

Lunchables

  1. Prepackaged lunch product that pretends that it’s normal to eat cold chicken nuggets
  2. Prepackaged lunch product that pretends that it’s normal to eat uncooked pizza
  3. Physical proof that kids consistently make terrible decisions

Usage Example: “Can we buy these Lunchables?! Please?! I want the one with the cold, uncooked pepperoni pizza!”

Background: Kraft Lunchables operate on a simple premise: kids will beg their parents for whatever they see in commercials. It doesn’t really matter what is being sold, if it has a loud and colorful commercial, kids need it.

Lunchables are prepackaged, processed lunch-food-like products that defy logic. Kids like pizza, right? Kraft decided that kids like pizza so much, that they will eat a pizza that is cold an uncooked. They also decided that kids should like cold chicken nuggets.

Well… Kraft was right. Apparently, kids will eat these things. Kids have long enjoyed a rich history of poor decision making. From the Children’s Crusade, to Slime Time Live, to Furby and Justin Bieber  – kids have a way of consistently making horrendous choices. Lunchables are just another ridiculous product making money off of the frighteningly bad logic of our children.

Now, I need to end this post and grab a piece of cold pizza from the fridge…

Toys

  1. Expensive floor covering for children’s rooms
  2. Highly refined materials for an indoor minefield

Usage Example: “If you don’t clean up your toys this instant…we’ll probably clean them up for you…so we don’t kill ourselves.”

Background: Toys follow a predictable and rapid lifecycle. The “Toy Cycle” progresses along the following steps:

  1. Kid begs for toy
  2. Parent buys toy
  3. Kid plays with toy for 7.5 minutes
  4. Kid breaks toy
  5. Toy becomes an expensive floor covering

That’s basically it.

Kids trick parents into buying toys, so that they can immediately break them and set them up as elaborate booby traps for parents. Kids can instinctively navigate a minefield of toys on the floor, but parents step on every Lego and Ninja Turtle.

The process of breaking toys and leaving them on the floor is often referred to as “refining” or “enriching” the toys. Kids throughout the world are enriching toys every day. There is a vast army of tiny people setting up entire rooms full of highly refined toys right under our noses.

Unreliable sources have reported that all kids receive special training in “creative terrorism” at a secret KGB facility in Vladivostok. It is at this facility where all kids learn about the toy cycle, and how to use it to initiate acts of creative terrorism against their parents.