Facebook Recipe Video

  1. A recipe video recorded from above, at speeds exceeding 2x – specially designed to appear as every other entry in an average Facebook newsfeed
  2. A recipe video starring bacon, cream cheese and/or Pillsbury vacuum-packed refrigerated dough
  3. A video funded by the powerful Crock-Pot Lobby

Usage Example: “That Mexican Fiesta Breakfast Casserole video was amazing! It showed up on my Facebook feed thirty-four times today. I really need to get some turkey sausage and cream cheese and make it.”

Background: In 2015, Facebook recipe videos took over newsfeeds everywhere. These videos were initially funded by the powerful Crock-Pot Lobby as a way to boost the sales and use of underutilized Crock-Pots. However, the subject matter of these videos quickly moved beyond the Crock-Pot.

Some ideologues believe that these videos were designed to teach recipes to be replicated at home. However, the main purpose of these videos is actually to make people hungry and annoyed. By most accounts, these recipes are attempted at home approximately 0% of the time. The plot lines of these videos are shockingly thin, while everything else about them is comprised of bacon and cream cheese.

Most social media experts agree that we are currently in the midst of a recipe video bubble. However, these experts didn’t emerge from their parents’ basements for long enough to predict when the bubble will burst. No one knows for sure, but the recipe video bubble will soon share the same fate as the designer cupcake bubble, self-serve frozen yogurt bubble, Bitstrip bubble, Trivia Crack bubble, Dubsmash bubble, Farmville Bubble and food truck bubble.

Tasty.

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Pop-Tart

  1. Flat, delicious method of pushing breakfast sugar
  2. The result of years of experiments designed to create the thinnest, hardest layer of frosting known to man

Usage Example: “Any Eggs Benedict in the vending machine today? No? Only Pop-Tarts, huh? I guess I’ll get the Pop-Tarts.”

Background: Since the beginning of time, humans have desired to eat candy for breakfast.

For generations, high levels of breakfast sugar could only be obtained through the messy and inconvenient process of adding syrup to pancakes or waffles. In recent decades, the creation of sugary cereals has simplified the process, but these cereals still require milk. The world desired a way of obtaining pancreas-rattling levels of sugar at 7:00 am without the social stigma of eating 2 pounds of Skittles for breakfast. Enter: Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts.

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Figure 1 – Kellogg’s Pop Tart with impossibly thin frosting and sprinkle fragments

The U.S. military had been experimenting with impossibly thin, stunningly hard layers of frosting since the Cold War. America simply would not allow the Soviets to control the thinnest, hardest, most delicious layers of frosting on the planet. Military scientists were also covering this frosting with tiny fragments of sprinkles that had been destroyed in weapons testing, for some reason. This technology eventually leaked to the public, was added to thin pastry envelopes, and the Pop-Tart was born.

In the early days, Pop-Tarts were created with fruit flavored filling in an adorable attempt to appear healthy. In more recent years, Pop-Tarts have basically given up and appeared in flavors such as S’mores, Chocolatey Caramel and Frosted Chocolate Chip.

Zombie

  1. An inexplicably popular, somewhat dead but not really dead, fictional character
  2. Focus of an unlikely global con carried out by AMC

Usage Example: “Did you catch last night’s episode of that zombie show? A few humans fought a bunch of zombies. It was great.”

Background: Approximately five years ago, the world lost its collective brains, and decided that it loved zombies. The cable network AMC somehow convinced large numbers of seemingly normal adults that zombies are interesting. This caused highly-functioning people to dress up like zombies at parties and 5K races, for some reason.

Experts often debate whether dressing up like zombies or Star Wars characters is more depressing. So far, Star Wars has a small lead, but the zombies are beginning to catch up. When they finally do catch up to Star Wars, the zombies plan to eat the brains of Jar Jar Binks and Lando Calrissian first.

Vaccine

  1. A specially designed biological substance used to cause fights on the internet
  2. An excuse to poke children with sharp metal objects

Usage Example: “This website says that the chicken pox vaccine contains at least 5% pure hatred. I’m calling my congressman.”

Background: Politics, religion and Star Wars all have a rich history of causing fights on the internet. However, by the early 2000s, these topics had grown stale. As a result, new topics were being frantically developed in internet aggression labs throughout the world. Proven fight starters such as “diets” and “climate change” were released during this time. However, no one could have anticipated that the most powerful fight starter of this era would be the vaccine.

It is a surprising fact that vaccines have actually been around for many years. Prior to Al Gore’s creation of the internet, vaccines were developed to cause fights through other mediums. Multiple studies showed that vaccines were quite effective at causing telegraph arguments and postal fights. In later years, they were proven at least 80% effective at eradicating telephone peace.

However, it wasn’t until the internet era that the vaccine’s true potential to start fights could be realized. After literally tens of hours of internet research, vaccines were found to contain mercury, tissue stolen from third-world slaves, hateful feeling and bits of neglected dollars cast aside by greedy pharmaceutical companies. However, the most startling revelation was that almost all vaccines contained small amounts of dangerous and even deadly diseases. The internet was shocked, and the fight was on. Everyone took sides. On one side, the greedy pharmaceutical companies were looking to pump everyone full of dangerous drugs. On the other side, people with several minutes of medical research experience from the loudest internet sources were fighting back. Simply mentioning the word “vaccine” would almost instantly result in heavy CAPS LOCK usage, multiple blog links, and (for some reason) occasional Jenny McCarthy sightings.

While vaccines were developed as a nuclear fight-starter, they also have a strange side effect. One major side effect of vaccine usage is the eradication of disease. The disappearance of diseases like polio have sometimes been linked to vaccine usage. While this link may not be conclusively proven on the internet, the vaccine’s effectiveness in starting fights cannot be disputed.

Curious George

  1. The world’s least successful helper monkey
  2. The high maintenance pet of a mentally imbalanced man
  3. A monkey obsessed with seeking revenge on his captor

Usage Example: “Why did the man with the yellow hat leave Curious George alone in a chocolate factory? Is he crazy? Hasn’t he ever seen I Love Lucy?”

Background: Curious George is the potty-trained, ex-con monkey pet of a mentally imbalanced man. This man, known only as “the man with the yellow hat,” always wears an all-yellow safari outfit, complete with a yellow tie and hat. He wears this outfit every day. The man’s choice of wardrobe is a symptom of his delusional belief that he is some kind of monkey-catching super hero in yellow.

The history of Curious George and his mentally imbalanced friend is meticulously recorded in multiple picture books, television shows and movies. A normal person might keep a journal of such events, but the flamboyant man in the yellow hat insisted that all records of his dealings with George be inscribed in picture books.

The man with the yellow hat captured George in a bag during an expedition to Africa. He promptly brought George back to America to serve as his pet/slave/surrogate child (as anyone would). Upon coming to the U.S., George quickly found himself in prison. However, his incarceration was short lived, as he promptly broke out, and began his campaign of revenge against his captor, as a fugitive.

George continued to get into trouble, but the man with the yellow hat is a patient crazy person. He never learns. He will often leave George alone (while he pretends to be a super hero) and ask him to stay out of trouble. However, the vengeful monkey will always cause trouble. He has single-handedly demolished stores, hospitals, restaurants, sporting events, zoos, etc. George commits massive acts of vandalism, grand theft and destruction of property, but since he makes Betsy smile, he avoids any charges. This is disturbing to George. He desperately wants to get the man in trouble for enslaving him, but he always manages to make some kid happy, so all trouble is avoided.

The man’s mental shortcomings are also exhibited in that he insists on treating George like a child. He buys him toys, has him sleep in a child’s bed, and even sends him to school. At one point, he even allowed his primate pet to take on a paper route.

The actions of Curious George and the man with the yellow hat are difficult to understand, unless you have a firm grasp on their history and mental condition.

BuzzFeed

  1. Internet-based service providing assessments for users to finally determine their 90s movie persona
  2. Internet based service providing videos of people trying different foods, for some reason
  3. Internet based service providing random news stories, mixed in with multiple lists about why it’s good to be short
  4. Internet based service providing thousands of lists composed entirely of annoying GIFs

Usage Example: “Thanks to BuzzFeed, I finally have the answer to how well I know the theme from “A Different World”.

Background: BuzzFeed is a powerful player in the crowded world of narcissistic news, video, quiz and recipe providers. By all accounts, BuzzFeed is the primary ADD news provider to the key 15-19 year old demographic. BuzzFeed is also successful in luring in an older audience to take their quizzes, make their recipes and read hundreds of lists about 90s products.

Of all of the random, GIF based content on BuzzFeed, the quizzes are the cornerstone of its offerings. Buzzfeed offers a mind numbing array of “me-based” quizzes designed to provide the children of helicopter parents with answers that can’t be found anywhere else. They are the only online quiz service courageous enough to offer a method of determining which Guy Fieri catchphrase matches your Zodiac sign. Finally. Thank you, BuzzFeed.

Whenever you are concerned about the future of our nation and the world, remember that BuzzFeed is providing our news and information. Then go hide under a table and await the apocalypse… while you take a quiz to determine which tv show apartment you should live in.

ESPY Awards

  1. The only known way for professional athletes to gain public recognition and win awards
  2. A long-form commercial for a cable sports network

Usage Example: “Well, it came down to watching the ESPY Awards or an episode of Murder, She Wrote… I made the right choice. It was a good episode. Who would have thought that Jessica would catch Robert Culp by snooping around? ”

Background: Finally, the unappreciated toil of professional athletes can be rewarded. These rewards are distributed during an awkward, long-form ESPN commercial known as the ESPY Awards.

The ESPYs were created by ESPN executives who were working to find an effective way to use the egos of professional athletes to help propel their cable sports brand. The result of this work is a depressingly awful awards show.

Athletes had long lamented that they never had an opportunity to walk a red carpet at a self-congratulatory awards show. They also complained that the Manning brothers didn’t have nearly enough trophies.

ESPN executives shrewdly capitalized on these complaints. They gave athletes a red carpet, the Manning brothers a bunch of ridiculous trophies, and created a way for the athletes to get on stage and give semi-coherent, highly rehearsed, yet stunningly awkward speeches. Athletes loved it. Everyone else hated it. But since people love athletes, the public continues to pretend that the ESPYs are watchable and important.

Beauty Pageant

  1. Crazy plan hatched by drunken frat boys that somehow worked
  2. Annual event that somehow missed the whole “feminism” thing

Usage Example: “The Miss US American beauty pageant will air at 12:35am on the Spike3 channel.”

Background: It should have never worked. After a night of drinking, a group of frat boys decided that they wanted to hold an event in which they could gawk at beautiful women. They called this event a “beauty pageant”.

The beauty pageant would contain the following steps:

  1. Open with an awkwardly choreographed musical number. During this opening: -Each participant must wear a sash containing the name of her home state -Each participant must confidently strut to the front of the stage and frighteningly shout her name and home town, at the top of her lungs -Each participant must smile with an unnaturally enormous smile the entire time.
  2. Immediately after the opening number, heartlessly cut at least ½ of the participants.
  3. Force the remaining participants to individually walk around the stage in swimsuits and evening gowns.
  4. Heartlessly cut more participants.
  5. Some pageants contain a hilarious talent portion at this time.
  6. In order to add some legitimacy to the event, participants are forced to talk for a few seconds. If the participants fail to do well at the talking portion, they will be mocked forever on YouTube.
  7. The final two or three participants nervously hold hands, while the host calls out the name of the winner.
  8. The losers then act like they are happy for the winner, while the winner cries.
  9. A tiara is placed on the winner’s head. This tiara is later pawned for scholarship money.

There may be easier ways to obtain scholarship money, but no one knows about them.

In spite of the insanity of these events, beauty pageants have somehow survived for many years. Beauty pageants are held on an annual basis in such glamorous locations as Atlantic City, Shreveport and Reno.

Prescription Drug Ads

  1. Proof that people would rather take a risk on nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stroke, heart attack, coma and death – than deal with restless legs
  2. Ads presenting an alternate reality, in which scenes of people enjoying life are accompanied by a voice-over warning of the disgusting and terrible things that could happen if a product is actually used
  3. Discriminatory ads failing to offer products to people with liver or kidney problems, and women who are pregnant or may become pregnant
  4. Ads attempting to get men to ask their doctors questions

Usage Example: “Hey doctor, I saw a prescription drug ad for a drug that could help clear up my skin. Is it right for me? I’m cool with all of the diarrhea and death stuff.”

Background: Prescription drug ads seek to do the impossible. They are attempting to get people to buy a product while verbally communicating a list of at least twenty horrible things that could happen if the product is used.

Normally, if a person is approached with the option of dealing with an annoying physical problem or rolling the dice on coma, death, paralysis or permanent muscle spasms – the decision is simple. But tell them all of this while showing people picking apples, playing with grand-kids, or sitting in bathtubs, and people lose their minds.

Prescription drug ads also visually communicate the following:

  • If you have psoriasis and take a drug, you will jump and swim in pools.
  • If you have ED and take a drug, you will suddenly place two bathtubs outside and sit in them.
  • If you are bipolar and take a drug, you will take creepy pictures of kids in sandboxes and walk along the beach.
  • If you have fibromyalgia and take a drug, you will handle potted plants and look at documents on a table… instead of grabbing your shoulder.

GO-GURT

  1. Yoplait yogurt-like product in a disconcertingly soft plastic tube
  2. Yogurt-like product designed to break the back of the spoon monopoly

Usage Example: “Dude. I just ate five GO-GURTs at lunch. I think they were Sponge Bob flavored.”

Background: Ever since yogurt was created, it has been held captive by the spoon industry. Yogurt consumers were forced to use a spoon to eat their cultured, thick, spoiled milk products. However, one courageous product dared to defy the massive pro-spoon lobby: GO-GURT.

For years, the market has demanded a yogurt-like product that can be disgustingly sucked through a floppy plastic tube. Thankfully, the good people at Yoplait finally dared to defy logic and the spoon lobby to create such a product.

GO-GURT not only delivers a slimy product that can be eaten/drank through a thin plastic tube, but it also delivers innovative flavors. GO-GURT is offered in flavors that range from “Cool Cotton Candy” and “Burstin’ Berry Melon” to “Sponge Bob” and “Phineas & Ferb”. Kids are smart consumers. They had long desired a yogurt product with the musty flavor of a socially awkward sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea. GO-GURT was courageous enough to create it.