Paleo Diet

  1. Optimal diet for those long woolly mammoth hunts
  2. Perfect excuse to avoid eating fruitcake

Usage Example: “The Paleo Diet gives me the energy that I need to invent fire and outrun saber-toothed tigers.”

Background: At some point in our recent history, we decided that cavemen were healthy… really healthy. In fact, they were probably the healthiest people who ever lived. They may have all died at the age of 20, but if they hadn’t been killed by animals or the elements, they probably would have lived to be 150 years old. This is the basic concept behind the Paleo Diet.

Developers of the Paleo Diet realized that a full three months had passed since the last “new diet plan” was introduced, so the market was long overdue for the next miracle diet.

After watching an old episode of The Flintstones, developers noticed that Fred followed a caveman variation of the Atkins Diet. This diet allowed him to work long hours and still slide effortlessly down the back of a brontosaurus after work. This inspirational event led to at least three hours of development in which they asked themselves the question: “What would cavemen eat?”

In spite of the fact that mammoth meat is expensive and difficult to find, the Paleo Diet exploded in popularity. The Paleo Diet allowed people to finally live out their lifelong dreams of being frightened hunter-gatherers. The success of this diet is an excellent sign for the developers of the Great Depression Diet and the Dark Ages Cleanse.

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Juicing

  1. The process of extracting a thimble full of juice from $90 worth of fruits and/or vegetables with a $300 machine that is specifically designed to take up large tracts of space on kitchen counters
  2. Diet used to impress friends and family with containers of unidentifiable green and/or brown liquid until the dieter gives up and decides that solid food is important … approximately two to three days later

Usage Example: “I saw this juicing documentary and now I’m hooked on juicing! I just love this dark-beige kale-wheatgrass-carrot-celery-pineapple power juice!”

Background: Fresh juice can be very good. But, Choco Tacos are also very good. Much like ingesting a diet of only Choco Tacos is probably a bad idea, forgoing solid food for juice is also kind of crazy.

But wait (juicers say)! It’s just a temporary juice fast! It’s a “reboot”. It’s not supposed to be permanent!

Fair enough. When the juicing diet ends, dieters inevitably go back to a diet of primarily Choco Tacos, and the juicing machine graduates from taking up large tracts of space on the kitchen counter, to taking up large tracts of space in the garage; waiting to be sold for $10 on Craigslist.

Gluten-Free Diet

  1. A joint venture of the bread-free, pancake-free, waffle-free, pizza-free, pasta-free, bagel-free, doughnut-free, cookie-free, cake-free, and fun-free diets
  2. Necessary diet for those with Celiac Disease; cool diet for everyone else

Usage Example: “Do you offer a gluten-free menu at this Golden Corral?”

Background:  Gluten is a protein composite with a massive public relations problem.

Gluten is found in wheat and related grains, and is perceived by a segment of the global population as the root of all evil. While the history of the gluten-free diet is hazy, it appears to have been invented in actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s diet lab in 2003.

Due to the popularity of the gluten-free diet, a growing number of food manufacturers are offering strange and disturbing gluten-free versions of once great foods.

The gluten-free diet should not be confused with the “free-gluten diet” (comprised mostly of Olive Garden bread sticks) which is awesome.