Cookie Butter

  1. Spreadable, pulverized cookies mixed with oils, creating a creamy delivery method for Type 2 diabetes
  2. A “hard butter” that users normally try after experimenting with gateway butters like Nutella
  3. A real thing

Usage Example: “The doctor says that my cookie butter levels are too high.”

Background: Cookie butter is a real thing. A really, real thing. This sugary, oily substance burst into the American consciousness as one of the more recent players in the now tightly packed butter market.

Figure 1 - Cookie Butter (Image credit: Trader Joe's)

Figure 1 – Cookie Butter (Image credit: Trader Joe’s)

The history of butters is complex. First, humans churned milk to form butter. Later, they created apple butter and peanut butter. After the invention of peanut butter, there were no new butters created for many years. However, in recent years there has been a butter renaissance. At the beginning of this explosion of new butters, other nuts were pulverized and substances like cashew butter and almond butter gained popularity.

Most butters created up to this point offered some level of nutritional value. However, everything changed with the next butter. The gateway butter for cookie butter is a substance called “Nutella”. Nutella is basically chocolate butter. It is a chocolate spread with a few pulverized hazelnuts in it, to con the public into thinking that it is a somewhat healthy-ish substance. But Nutella isn’t fooling anyone.

After more and more people experimented with chocolate butter, the door was opened for a butter that made no excuses for its bold lack of nutrition: cookie butter. Cookie butter is made by pulverizing cookies and adding oil until the desired consistency is reached. These viscous, oily cookies can be eaten with a spoon, mixed with ice cream or made into Nutella and cookie butter sandwiches. Cookie butter is an important part of any weight gain program.

For now, the world can enjoy cookie butter while it eagerly awaits the arrival Twinkie butter, Sour Patch Kids butter and marshmallow butter… Oh, Wait… We already have marshmallow butter.

Sweet Potato

  1. Starchy and slightly sweet root vegetable struggling with acute dessert envy
  2. Vegetable currently awaiting trial on multiple counts of sugar trafficking

Usage Example: “We just can’t have sweet potatoes without marshmallows and five pounds of sugar!”

Background: Desserts enjoy a special status in the dining experience. Everyone looks forward to dessert, and the sweet potato wants a piece of that action.

The sweet potato isn’t happy with its vegetable status. It sees itself as a boring, second-rate side dish. These self-image problems are what caused the sweet potato to begin its career as a sugar mule.

The sweet potato first sought to gain a piece of the pie market by jumping into a pie shell and smuggling some of that white powder with it. Large amounts of sugar are often found in desserts, so this move was largely overlooked. Sweet potato pie gained a small following, but it wasn’t enough to satisfy the sweet potato.

The sweet potato had loftier goals. It wanted to break through the wall that divides the main course and dessert. It studied the case of the cranberry – a tart fruit that successfully managed to smuggle large amounts of sugar into the main course as “cranberry sauce”. However, the scope of sweet potato’s plan was unprecedented. The sweet potato devised a scheme to preempt dessert, by offering dessert during the main course. Sweet potato planned to enter a casserole, smuggle in large amounts of brown sugar and cover itself in candy. Eventually, it convinced marshmallow to play the role of candy.

The job was complete. Sweet potato had smuggled dessert into the main course, and almost no one noticed. However, sweet potato was eventually caught, and is facing multiple charges in connection with its sugar trafficking.

If convicted, sweet potato could face 10 years of confinement as those nasty, unsalted sweet potato chips.