Beauty Pageant

  1. Crazy plan hatched by drunken frat boys that somehow worked
  2. Annual event that somehow missed the whole “feminism” thing

Usage Example: “The Miss US American beauty pageant will air at 12:35am on the Spike3 channel.”

Background: It should have never worked. After a night of drinking, a group of frat boys decided that they wanted to hold an event in which they could gawk at beautiful women. They called this event a “beauty pageant”.

The beauty pageant would contain the following steps:

  1. Open with an awkwardly choreographed musical number. During this opening: -Each participant must wear a sash containing the name of her home state -Each participant must confidently strut to the front of the stage and frighteningly shout her name and home town, at the top of her lungs -Each participant must smile with an unnaturally enormous smile the entire time.
  2. Immediately after the opening number, heartlessly cut at least ½ of the participants.
  3. Force the remaining participants to individually walk around the stage in swimsuits and evening gowns.
  4. Heartlessly cut more participants.
  5. Some pageants contain a hilarious talent portion at this time.
  6. In order to add some legitimacy to the event, participants are forced to talk for a few seconds. If the participants fail to do well at the talking portion, they will be mocked forever on YouTube.
  7. The final two or three participants nervously hold hands, while the host calls out the name of the winner.
  8. The losers then act like they are happy for the winner, while the winner cries.
  9. A tiara is placed on the winner’s head. This tiara is later pawned for scholarship money.

There may be easier ways to obtain scholarship money, but no one knows about them.

In spite of the insanity of these events, beauty pageants have somehow survived for many years. Beauty pageants are held on an annual basis in such glamorous locations as Atlantic City, Shreveport and Reno.

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Comb Over

  1. A poorly played game of hide-and-seek with a scalp
  2. Effective method of communicating baldness
  3. Haircut of deception

Usage Example: “Lester has a comb over? I had no idea. I always thought he had an incredibly smooth and flat haircut.”

Background: Nothing screams “I’m bald” like a good old fashioned comb over. The comb over is intended to deceive people into thinking that the wearer has a full head of hair. However, the comb over is as effective at hiding baldness as the duck-and-cover method is at providing protection from a nuclear blast.

Unfortunately, in all of human history, the comb over has only fooled one person: a legally-blind individual named Randy, from Warwick, RI. In spite of its incredibly low success rate, the comb over is still utilized. Like a child covering his eyes and saying that you can’t see him, the comb over vainly pretends that no one can see the scalp underneath it.

In the wild, the comb over’s native habitat includes local post offices, the Old Country Buffet and wherever Donald Trump is currently located.