The Sun

  1. One side of a complicated, long-distance relationship
  2. Huge flaming gasbag that is constantly trying to kill us

Usage Example: “Hey kids! Don’t forget to put on a hat and cover yourselves in sunscreen before you go outside. If you don’t, the Sun will try to give you cancer.”

Background: Humans continue to struggle through a complicated long distance relationship with an enormous flaming ball of gas in outer space.

Figure 1 - What a jerk.

Figure 1 – What a jerk.

On one hand, we need the Sun to live. The Sun holds our planet in orbit, thereby allowing Earth to enjoy livable temperatures. Light from the Sun also helps humans generate vitamin D and keeps plants alive.

However, the Sun is also a huge jerk that is constantly trying to kill mankind. For some reason, the Sun wants to give everyone cancer. Because of this threat, packing for a family beach trip is like packing for a South Pole expedition. We need hundreds of pounds of gear to survive the Sun’s attacks. Hats, umbrellas and sunscreen are just some of the items that we haul around to protect us from that bully.

The Sun is also incredibly vain and aloof. The Sun is so full of itself, that it won’t even let anyone look at it. If you stare at it for too long, that vindictive punk will make you go blind (or at least that’s what parents tell their kids). The Sun is also kind enough to give us a beautiful eclipse every decade or so… But guess what? You can’t look at that either!

Even if we are lucky enough to avoid cancer and blindness from the Sun, that jerk has one final trick up its sleeve. Eventually, the Sun will morph into a “red giant” and completely destroy our entire planet. Thanks, Sun.

No one knows why the Sun is so vindictive. We haven’t been seeing other stars…Honestly. We need the Sun… But we also hate the Sun. What a jerk.