Facebook Recipe Video

  1. A recipe video recorded from above, at speeds exceeding 2x – specially designed to appear as every other entry in an average Facebook newsfeed
  2. A recipe video starring bacon, cream cheese and/or Pillsbury vacuum-packed refrigerated dough
  3. A video funded by the powerful Crock-Pot Lobby

Usage Example: “That Mexican Fiesta Breakfast Casserole video was amazing! It showed up on my Facebook feed thirty-four times today. I really need to get some turkey sausage and cream cheese and make it.”

Background: In 2015, Facebook recipe videos took over newsfeeds everywhere. These videos were initially funded by the powerful Crock-Pot Lobby as a way to boost the sales and use of underutilized Crock-Pots. However, the subject matter of these videos quickly moved beyond the Crock-Pot.

Some ideologues believe that these videos were designed to teach recipes to be replicated at home. However, the main purpose of these videos is actually to make people hungry and annoyed. By most accounts, these recipes are attempted at home approximately 0% of the time. The plot lines of these videos are shockingly thin, while everything else about them is comprised of bacon and cream cheese.

Most social media experts agree that we are currently in the midst of a recipe video bubble. However, these experts didn’t emerge from their parents’ basements for long enough to predict when the bubble will burst. No one knows for sure, but the recipe video bubble will soon share the same fate as the designer cupcake bubble, self-serve frozen yogurt bubble, Bitstrip bubble, Trivia Crack bubble, Dubsmash bubble, Farmville Bubble and food truck bubble.

Tasty.

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BuzzFeed

  1. Internet-based service providing assessments for users to finally determine their 90s movie persona
  2. Internet based service providing videos of people trying different foods, for some reason
  3. Internet based service providing random news stories, mixed in with multiple lists about why it’s good to be short
  4. Internet based service providing thousands of lists composed entirely of annoying GIFs

Usage Example: “Thanks to BuzzFeed, I finally have the answer to how well I know the theme from “A Different World”.

Background: BuzzFeed is a powerful player in the crowded world of narcissistic news, video, quiz and recipe providers. By all accounts, BuzzFeed is the primary ADD news provider to the key 15-19 year old demographic. BuzzFeed is also successful in luring in an older audience to take their quizzes, make their recipes and read hundreds of lists about 90s products.

Of all of the random, GIF based content on BuzzFeed, the quizzes are the cornerstone of its offerings. Buzzfeed offers a mind numbing array of “me-based” quizzes designed to provide the children of helicopter parents with answers that can’t be found anywhere else. They are the only online quiz service courageous enough to offer a method of determining which Guy Fieri catchphrase matches your Zodiac sign. Finally. Thank you, BuzzFeed.

Whenever you are concerned about the future of our nation and the world, remember that BuzzFeed is providing our news and information. Then go hide under a table and await the apocalypse… while you take a quiz to determine which tv show apartment you should live in.

Prescription Drug Ads

  1. Proof that people would rather take a risk on nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stroke, heart attack, coma and death – than deal with restless legs
  2. Ads presenting an alternate reality, in which scenes of people enjoying life are accompanied by a voice-over warning of the disgusting and terrible things that could happen if a product is actually used
  3. Discriminatory ads failing to offer products to people with liver or kidney problems, and women who are pregnant or may become pregnant
  4. Ads attempting to get men to ask their doctors questions

Usage Example: “Hey doctor, I saw a prescription drug ad for a drug that could help clear up my skin. Is it right for me? I’m cool with all of the diarrhea and death stuff.”

Background: Prescription drug ads seek to do the impossible. They are attempting to get people to buy a product while verbally communicating a list of at least twenty horrible things that could happen if the product is used.

Normally, if a person is approached with the option of dealing with an annoying physical problem or rolling the dice on coma, death, paralysis or permanent muscle spasms – the decision is simple. But tell them all of this while showing people picking apples, playing with grand-kids, or sitting in bathtubs, and people lose their minds.

Prescription drug ads also visually communicate the following:

  • If you have psoriasis and take a drug, you will jump and swim in pools.
  • If you have ED and take a drug, you will suddenly place two bathtubs outside and sit in them.
  • If you are bipolar and take a drug, you will take creepy pictures of kids in sandboxes and walk along the beach.
  • If you have fibromyalgia and take a drug, you will handle potted plants and look at documents on a table… instead of grabbing your shoulder.

Local Television News

  1. A televised method of communicating the possibility that everyone is having fun at the county fair
  2. A televised method of alerting the public that road work on highway 12 could cause traffic slowdowns in front of the feed store
  3. A televised method of sharing heart-warming local stories that really have no impact on your life whatsoever

Usage Example: “Thanks to the local television news, I know that the community center is buying twelve new folding chairs.”

Background: If you don’t live in or around a major city, your local news is coming from places like Bismarck, ND; Bangor, ME or Lynchburg, VA. These local television newscasts include hard-hitting local news and information.

The following is a sample small-town newscast. They all function the exact same way.

Gloria Anchor: Good evening and thanks for joining us on Action 17 News at 5 – I’m Gloria Anchor. Our top story tonight – everyone is having fun at the county fair. For more, Chad Reporter is at the fairgrounds. It looks like everyone is having a great time, Chad!

Chad Reporter: Gloria, you couldn’t be more right. This is the 98th year of the county fair, and everyone is having a great time.

Woman in a flag shirt: We just love the fair. We’re having a great time.

Old Woman: I am ninety-three years old. I’ve been coming to the fair since I was a young girl. I just love the fair.

Chad Reporter (now holding cotton candy): Gloria, everyone is having such a great time here at the fair. If you are interested in joining in on the fun, come on down to the fairgrounds. The fair runs through Sunday. I’d love to stay and chat, but I’m going to head on over to the rickety old Ferris wheel and go to work on this cotton candy!

Gloria Anchor: Mmmm. Save some of that cotton candy for me, Chad!

Chad Reporter: Will do Gloria!

Gloria Anchor: Thanks Chad. And now for a first look at the weather, we turn to Chip Weatherman in our News 17 Weather Center with your First Look Forecast. Chip – How does the weather look for all those fairgoers?

Chip Weatherman: Gloria, for everyone heading out to the fairgrounds, it looks like we’ll have a 60% chance of some light shower activity moving in this afternoon, but don’t let that keep you away from the fair. If some of those showers move in, you can always head indoors to the livestock pavilion until they pass. But, even though we have a 60% chance of rain, everyone at the fair has a 100% chance of fun! And it looks like we can expect some bright sunshine for all the folks heading to the speedway this weekend! I’ll have more at 6:00, including your AccuDoppler17 weekend outlook. Gloria – back to you.

Gloria Anchor: Thanks Chip. And now – Joe Sportsguy with the big game results from Friday night.

Joe Sportsguy: Thanks Gloria. On the high school gridiron, Central beat Regional 17-9, and Westside beat Kennedy 24-21. Join me at 6:00 for updates on the field hockey tournament, a race day preview, and the touching story of a young boy who beat the odds by making his little league team, in spite of suffering from celiac disease.

Gloria Anchor: Thanks Joe. Last week, you may remember the story we brought you about the theft of twelve folding chairs at the Dirtville Community Center. Coming up at six, we have the story about how the Dirtville community banded together to raise the $200 that they needed to replace the folding chairs. That’s all for now – but be sure to join us at six for much more, including a recap of the heated Spitsburg town meeting that resulted in the controversial decision to purchase two wheels of cheese for every town meeting. See you at six!

Bumper Sticker

  1. Analog tool for broadcasting a driver’s thoughts and opinions to a small group of followers
  2. Old-school Twitter for drivers

Usage Example: “I think I’ll vote for that political candidate. The bumper sticker on the car in front of me is displaying his name.”

Background:  Bumper stickers primarily exist for the following reasons:

  1. To display “Grateful Dead” logos
  2. To tell people to coexist
  3. To display the names of political candidates
  4. To communicate the possibility that a driver has allegedly completed a marathon
  5. To display three letters in an oval

Bumper stickers tend to travel in packs. They are rarely spotted alone. It also appears that the adhesive material on the back of bumper stickers clings best to the following vehicles: the Toyota Prius, any Volkswagen, Volvo station wagons, hatchbacks and fifteen passenger vans.

The concept behind the bumper sticker formed the foundation for the social media service “Twitter”. Twitter successfully created (and maintains) a digital bumper sticker service. Bumper stickers and Twitter both allow users communicate brief opinions to groups of followers.

It is also important to note, that while Twitter opinions are often absurd and completely ignored; bumper sticker messages are often absurd and completely ignored.

Cable Company

  1. Entertainment delivery company that provides customers with ten channels they want, 200 channels they don’t want, and internet service that kind-of works most of the time
  2. Entertainment delivery company that constantly tells customers that their calls are important to them, but no one actually believes that statement

Usage Example: “The cable company is giving us 32 Starz channels free for three months. If we forget to cancel, it will only cost an addition $250 per month.”

Background: For most cable customers, the journey begins with a desire to watch ESPN, the Food Network, HGTV, AMC or their favorite politically-affiliated cable news channel. Prospective customers then contact their local monopoly cable company, and a bizarre shopping experience ensues.

If groceries were purchased like cable, the sale would look like this:

Customer: Hi, I’d like to buy this milk.

Salesman: OK, great! We are currently running an incredible promotion! You get the milk, eggs, Slim Jims, Doritos, corn meal, multi-colored mini marshmallows, a Swiffer, and a gallon of peanut oil for only $30 per month for the first 12 months.

Customer: I really only want the milk.

Salesman: We can’t just sell you the milk. We are giving you a great opportunity to get so much more! And you’ll get all of these groceries every month for the duration of your two year contract!

Customer: But… I won’t use the other groceries. And, two years is a long time…

Salesman: We are also willing to throw in six extra-large bags of dog food, free for 3 months.

Customer: But I don’t have a dog. And what happens after 3 months?

Salesman: It’s only an additional $60 per month! When would you like your grocery service to begin?

Customer: Well, I really want the milk, so I guess I’ll sign up.

Salesman: Great! A delivery technician will hopefully bring the groceries to your house sometime between Wednesday at 8:00am and Next Tuesday at 3:00pm.

And, after that exchange, the cable experience begins. Customers are repeatedly told that their calls are important to the cable companies, and the harsh reality of cable quickly sets in: for every ESPN or HBO, there are at least twenty Oxygens.

Snopes.com

  1. A powerful electronic hammer used to destroy the coolest internet stories about products containing dangerous toxins, spider eggs and horse meat
  2. A powerful electronic hammer used to destroy friendships

Usage Example: “Um, actually, Beanie Babies aren’t filled with brown recluse spider eggs. Next time, check Snopes: http://www.snopes.com/media/notnews/beaniebabyspiders.asp.”

Background: Snopes.com has been crushing internet rumors and destroying friendships since 1995.

True

Humans love good rumors. Humans love conspiracies. Humans love the idea that KFC had to change its name from Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC because their “chicken” isn’t actually chicken meat, but genetically modified organisms. http://www.snopes.com/food/tainted/kfc.asp

False

And, because we all love a good “Rosie O’Donell has an ISIS tattoo” story (http://www.snopes.com/media/notnews/rosietattoo.asp), Snopes is here to set us straight. However, it is important to note that Snopes.com is also a powerful weapon. When a friend posts a story on Facebook about Arizona Iced Tea containing human urine, and your response begins with the word “Actually” and ends with “http://www.snopes.com/media/notnews/arizonatea.asp”, the “Snopes hammer” has struck. Another round is complete in the never-ending social media battle to always be right and have the last word.

Mixture

Failing to use the Snopes Hammer tactfully directly results in the loss of friends. This loss then leads to depression, which leads to binge-watching the first three seasons of The Golden Girls over a single weekend.

On the other hand, one who learns to wield the power of the Snopes Hammer with tact becomes a:

Legend