1. Crazy hat fashion show
2. An excuse for adults to behave like children
3. The balloon industry’s Super Bowl
4. A lame party’s lame party
Usage Example: “I didn’t come to this party convention to sit behind someone wearing a 3-foot Mount Rushmore hat! I can’t see who’s yelling at us!”
Background: Every four years, American political parties assemble their loneliest members to fill a room and put on a massive crazy-hat fashion show. This fashion show is unlike any other fashion show in the world. It is unique for the following reasons:
– Participants elect a party king or queen, and spend several days yelling about why their fashion show king is the best.
– Participants are expected to revert to childhood. Crazy hats, funny outfits, yelling, name calling, crying and booing are all acceptable and encouraged.
– The show reaches its climax with a tedious speech from the king or queen.
– In a bizarre twist, convention organizers then attempt to kill the new king or queen by dumping tons of balloons on him/her. This tactic has proven completely ineffective and horribly inefficient. It has a 100% failure rate. However, since there is nothing that politicians enjoy more than consistent failure and inefficiency, it will never change.
- Food produced in small batches to ensure a high level of imperfection
- Household products that are scuffed and dented by hand
- Hippie or hipster creating small batch, ugly products in order to avoid a desk job
Usage Example: “No, this coffee table wasn’t built by a kindergarten class; it is a hand-made artisan table. I bought it from that guy with a gray pony tail. He has a shop downtown. He says that the design came to him while on a spirit quest.”
Background: Artisan is an incredibly versatile term. While the word is often used to describe bumpy, uneven products; it is also used to describe the bumpy, uneven people who create them.
The food industry uses the word “artisan” in order to maximize profits. That bumpy, slightly burned loaf of bread may have been made using a bag of mix, but since it looks bad, it can be called “artisan bread.” That label will allow the store to charge twice as much.
Artisans are people who dream of turning their hobbies into a food truck, hipster bbq trailer, or getting a share of an artist’s co-op. These people create products using the most cumbersome and old fashioned methods possible. This allows artisans to charge maximum prices for their products, and avoid desk jobs for as long as possible.
Many people attempt ugly, artisan home repairs. Fixing a lawn mower using duct tape always qualifies as an artisan repair.
- Act of voluntary insanity
- The process of filling a house with one’s loud, filthy little clones
Usage Example: “My next parenting milestone will be to successfully get at least 25% of my kids’ lunches into their mouths… Instead of on the floor, chairs, table, clothing, wall, ceiling, toys, siblings, AC vents, school papers, etc.”
Background: At some point (or points) in the lives of many couples, babies are born or adopted. At this time, parents begin the extended period of temporary insanity known as “parenting.”
Parenting has many side effects. These side effects include: sleeplessness, bargaining, yelling, excessive cleaning and even watching children’s television. Some parents have also been observed wearing their children in elaborate harnesses, and many others cart their children around in nylon wheelbarrows known as “strollers.”
Parenting also causes normally sane adults to utter bizarre statements. These statements include:
- Hey! Are you doing what I think you’re doing? Not again. Stop eating ants!
- Are you stinky? Someone’s stinky. Who’s stinky?
- Open wide. Just take one bite. Please. Take this bite. Open up! Here comes the airplane!.. Come on! Open up! I give up. Go ahead. Starve. See what I care… Just take this bite! If you want chocolate, you’ll take this bite.
- There’s new episodes of Wild Kratts on all this week! Set the DVR!
- No, you can’t wear a cape to the store. <screaming> Sigh… OK, wear the cape.
- If you don’t kick and scream at the doctor’s office, we’ll all go out for ice cream!
- Stop screaming! I’ll pay you anything to stop screaming. What do you want? Anything! It’s yours! Just stop screaming.
- A specially designed biological substance used to cause fights on the internet
- An excuse to poke children with sharp metal objects
Usage Example: “This website says that the chicken pox vaccine contains at least 5% pure hatred. I’m calling my congressman.”
Background: Politics, religion and Star Wars all have a rich history of causing fights on the internet. However, by the early 2000s, these topics had grown stale. As a result, new topics were being frantically developed in internet aggression labs throughout the world. Proven fight starters such as “diets” and “climate change” were released during this time. However, no one could have anticipated that the most powerful fight starter of this era would be the vaccine.
It is a surprising fact that vaccines have actually been around for many years. Prior to Al Gore’s creation of the internet, vaccines were developed to cause fights through other mediums. Multiple studies showed that vaccines were quite effective at causing telegraph arguments and postal fights. In later years, they were proven at least 80% effective at eradicating telephone peace.
However, it wasn’t until the internet era that the vaccine’s true potential to start fights could be realized. After literally tens of hours of internet research, vaccines were found to contain mercury, tissue stolen from third-world slaves, hateful feeling and bits of neglected dollars cast aside by greedy pharmaceutical companies. However, the most startling revelation was that almost all vaccines contained small amounts of dangerous and even deadly diseases. The internet was shocked, and the fight was on. Everyone took sides. On one side, the greedy pharmaceutical companies were looking to pump everyone full of dangerous drugs. On the other side, people with several minutes of medical research experience from the loudest internet sources were fighting back. Simply mentioning the word “vaccine” would almost instantly result in heavy CAPS LOCK usage, multiple blog links, and (for some reason) occasional Jenny McCarthy sightings.
While vaccines were developed as a nuclear fight-starter, they also have a strange side effect. One major side effect of vaccine usage is the eradication of disease. The disappearance of diseases like polio have sometimes been linked to vaccine usage. While this link may not be conclusively proven on the internet, the vaccine’s effectiveness in starting fights cannot be disputed.
- A loud alarm designed to call large numbers of people to play a game of make-believe
- The alarm that cried wolf
- Not an actual drill made of fire
- A socially acceptable lie
Usage Example: “We had a fire drill at work today. Half of the office stayed in the building, and the other half went outside and drove home.”
Background: Fire alarms are important. In the event of a fire, people need as much warning as possible to make a safe exit from buildings. The fire drill was created, not only to annoy people, but to give people some practice exiting buildings in the event of a real emergency.
The term “fire drill” was invented to scare people. Fire drill pioneers thought that the term “make-believe play-fire” wasn’t terrifying enough. Instead, they opted for the image of a flaming power tool.
Fire drills take place during pre-planned intervals, when someone pulls a prank, or whenever there is any type of construction occurring within 100 feet of any fire alarm hardware. This means that some buildings run many fire drills. Over time, people who have been through many fire drills fail to take them seriously.
The fire drill response is a “choose your own adventure.” There are two ways to respond to a fire drill. The first type of response involves quick action and immediate joy. The drillee is overcome with happiness, because he/she has a perfect excuse to get out of whatever they are doing. This is a common response in schools and some offices.
The second type of response completes the following progression:
- Hear the fire drill
- Wonder why there are so many fire drills
- Sit for a minute and hope it stops
- Think of the weather outside.
- Decide that it is too hot, cold, rainy, etc.
- Hang around for another minute, hoping that the fire alarm will stop
- Slowly walk toward the door, still hoping that the fire alarm will stop
- Reluctantly walk out the door, just as the fire alarm stops
- Turn and walk back in the building
- Edible landing pad for flies and other insects
- Event containing a high volume of confirmed potato salad sightings
- Opportunity to eat food outdoors, while constantly holding down napkins and paper plates
Usage Example: “I love to go on picnics!… until I actually get there.”
Background: Picnics are a lot like communism. They look like great ideas on paper, but they don’t work in the real world.
The picnic process contains the following steps:
- Plan and pack food and beverages, such as: salad, potato salad, pasta salad, egg salad, and any other salad that the picnickers wouldn’t normally eat at home, but think that they will enjoy in the wilderness for some reason.
- Hope is doesn’t rain… Hope it isn’t too hot… Hope it isn’t too windy…Hope that the conditions outdoors are exactly like the conditions indoors.
- Drag 30lbs of food and beverages to the wilderness.
- Find a dry place to sit down and begin unpacking food.
- Dodge insects.
- Spend the duration of the picnic pretending to like warm potato salad.
- Spend the duration of the picnic shielding eyes from the blazing sun.
- Spend the duration of the picnic trying to eat while simultaneously keeping napkins and paper plates from blowing away.
- Spend the duration of the picnic trying to eat while constantly swatting at flies.
- Frantically pack everything up when the rain starts.
- Drive away from the wilderness.
- On the way home, stop at the Wendy’s drive-through to get some food.
- The process of spending a week carefully categorizing and pricing items that will all ultimately sell for 25¢ each
- A tedious way of making $67
- A long, complicated pit-stop for junk on its way to the landfill
Usage Example: “Do you think 75¢ will be enough to get a living room set at the yard sale?”
Background: Many people decide to remove junk from their homes through excessive and complicated acts of torture. These acts include:
- Spending at least a week carefully selecting, cleaning and organizing junk
- Spending many hours researching values and assigning prices to the junk that will ultimately be ignored by everyone
- Spending a Saturday in the rain, watching carefully priced and organized junk sit in a driveway
- Giving the priced and organized junk one final ride to Goodwill or the landfill
When these acts of torture are combined, they form a process known as a “yard sale.”
A major challenge of holding a yard sale is dealing with yard sale negotiations. Yard sale negotiations generally follow the same pattern. Here is an example:
Buyer: “How much for the recliner?”
Seller: “Twenty-five dollars.”
Buyer: “I’ll give you a quarter for it.”
Seller: “I’ll take $20, but I can’t really go much lower than that.”
Buyer: “I have a quarter.”
Seller: “It’s late in the day… I’ll take $10 for it.”
Buyer: “Will you take a quarter?”
Seller: “Seriously? It’s a piece of furniture… How about $5?”
Buyer: “I have a pickup truck and can haul it away right now. I’ll give you a quarter for it.”
Seller: “Fine. A quarter.”
There are easier ways to dispatch excess junk, but only a yard sale can turn your junk into 52 hours of work and a cool $73.
- Holiday created by the necktie industry
- Annual participation award given to fathers
Usage Example: “We’re going all out for Father’s Day this year. I’m sending my father a tie and giving him a phone call.”
Background: Mothers grow children inside of their bodies and painfully push them out. Fathers observe this process, eat sandwiches and watch football. In a father’s mind, this makes fathers even with mothers. This idea is the basic concepts of Father’s Day.
In the wild, fathers are occasionally observed wearing neckties. However, over the past forty years, necktie usage by fathers has been declining at rate of approximately 2% each year. Because of this, the necktie industry created Father’s Day.
Father’s Day was designed as a participation award for fathers. As a reward for a strong #2 position in the parenting process, children are encouraged to give their fathers neckties. Kids know that men love tying silky cloth nooses around their necks, and the necktie industry takes advantage of this fact.
Neckties are strips of fabric that are specially designed to serve as flashy closet filler for 364 days each year. On average, a necktie is taken out of a father’s closet for one funeral, court appearance or job interview each year. In spite of this low usage rate, a father has an average of 37 ties hanging in his closet. And, because of Father’s Day, the average father has purchased zero of those ties himself. Strangely, fathers are always happy to receive and store additional ties from kids, even if they never actually serve as non-lethal nooses for him.
Happy Father’s Day!
- A poorly played game of hide-and-seek with a scalp
- Effective method of communicating baldness
- Haircut of deception
Usage Example: “Lester has a comb over? I had no idea. I always thought he had an incredibly smooth and flat haircut.”
Background: Nothing screams “I’m bald” like a good old fashioned comb over. The comb over is intended to deceive people into thinking that the wearer has a full head of hair. However, the comb over is as effective at hiding baldness as the duck-and-cover method is at providing protection from a nuclear blast.
Unfortunately, in all of human history, the comb over has only fooled one person: a legally-blind individual named Randy, from Warwick, RI. In spite of its incredibly low success rate, the comb over is still utilized. Like a child covering his eyes and saying that you can’t see him, the comb over vainly pretends that no one can see the scalp underneath it.
In the wild, the comb over’s native habitat includes local post offices, the Old Country Buffet and wherever Donald Trump is currently located.