1. Crazy hat fashion show
2. An excuse for adults to behave like children
3. The balloon industry’s Super Bowl
4. A lame party’s lame party
Usage Example: “I didn’t come to this party convention to sit behind someone wearing a 3-foot Mount Rushmore hat! I can’t see who’s yelling at us!”
Background: Every four years, American political parties assemble their loneliest members to fill a room and put on a massive crazy-hat fashion show. This fashion show is unlike any other fashion show in the world. It is unique for the following reasons:
– Participants elect a party king or queen, and spend several days yelling about why their fashion show king is the best.
– Participants are expected to revert to childhood. Crazy hats, funny outfits, yelling, name calling, crying and booing are all acceptable and encouraged.
– The show reaches its climax with a tedious speech from the king or queen.
– In a bizarre twist, convention organizers then attempt to kill the new king or queen by dumping tons of balloons on him/her. This tactic has proven completely ineffective and horribly inefficient. It has a 100% failure rate. However, since there is nothing that politicians enjoy more than consistent failure and inefficiency, it will never change.
- A recipe video recorded from above, at speeds exceeding 2x – specially designed to appear as every other entry in an average Facebook newsfeed
- A recipe video starring bacon, cream cheese and/or Pillsbury vacuum-packed refrigerated dough
- A video funded by the powerful Crock-Pot Lobby
Usage Example: “That Mexican Fiesta Breakfast Casserole video was amazing! It showed up on my Facebook feed thirty-four times today. I really need to get some turkey sausage and cream cheese and make it.”
Background: In 2015, Facebook recipe videos took over newsfeeds everywhere. These videos were initially funded by the powerful Crock-Pot Lobby as a way to boost the sales and use of underutilized Crock-Pots. However, the subject matter of these videos quickly moved beyond the Crock-Pot.
Some ideologues believe that these videos were designed to teach recipes to be replicated at home. However, the main purpose of these videos is actually to make people hungry and annoyed. By most accounts, these recipes are attempted at home approximately 0% of the time. The plot lines of these videos are shockingly thin, while everything else about them is comprised of bacon and cream cheese.
Most social media experts agree that we are currently in the midst of a recipe video bubble. However, these experts didn’t emerge from their parents’ basements for long enough to predict when the bubble will burst. No one knows for sure, but the recipe video bubble will soon share the same fate as the designer cupcake bubble, self-serve frozen yogurt bubble, Bitstrip bubble, Trivia Crack bubble, Dubsmash bubble, Farmville Bubble and food truck bubble.
- Flat, delicious method of pushing breakfast sugar
- The result of years of experiments designed to create the thinnest, hardest layer of frosting known to man
Usage Example: “Any Eggs Benedict in the vending machine today? No? Only Pop-Tarts, huh? I guess I’ll get the Pop-Tarts.”
Background: Since the beginning of time, humans have desired to eat candy for breakfast.
For generations, high levels of breakfast sugar could only be obtained through the messy and inconvenient process of adding syrup to pancakes or waffles. In recent decades, the creation of sugary cereals has simplified the process, but these cereals still require milk. The world desired a way of obtaining pancreas-rattling levels of sugar at 7:00 am without the social stigma of eating 2 pounds of Skittles for breakfast. Enter: Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts.
Figure 1 – Kellogg’s Pop Tart with impossibly thin frosting and sprinkle fragments
The U.S. military had been experimenting with impossibly thin, stunningly hard layers of frosting since the Cold War. America simply would not allow the Soviets to control the thinnest, hardest, most delicious layers of frosting on the planet. Military scientists were also covering this frosting with tiny fragments of sprinkles that had been destroyed in weapons testing, for some reason. This technology eventually leaked to the public, was added to thin pastry envelopes, and the Pop-Tart was born.
In the early days, Pop-Tarts were created with fruit flavored filling in an adorable attempt to appear healthy. In more recent years, Pop-Tarts have basically given up and appeared in flavors such as S’mores, Chocolatey Caramel and Frosted Chocolate Chip.
- Food produced in small batches to ensure a high level of imperfection
- Household products that are scuffed and dented by hand
- Hippie or hipster creating small batch, ugly products in order to avoid a desk job
Usage Example: “No, this coffee table wasn’t built by a kindergarten class; it is a hand-made artisan table. I bought it from that guy with a gray pony tail. He has a shop downtown. He says that the design came to him while on a spirit quest.”
Background: Artisan is an incredibly versatile term. While the word is often used to describe bumpy, uneven products; it is also used to describe the bumpy, uneven people who create them.
The food industry uses the word “artisan” in order to maximize profits. That bumpy, slightly burned loaf of bread may have been made using a bag of mix, but since it looks bad, it can be called “artisan bread.” That label will allow the store to charge twice as much.
Artisans are people who dream of turning their hobbies into a food truck, hipster bbq trailer, or getting a share of an artist’s co-op. These people create products using the most cumbersome and old fashioned methods possible. This allows artisans to charge maximum prices for their products, and avoid desk jobs for as long as possible.
Many people attempt ugly, artisan home repairs. Fixing a lawn mower using duct tape always qualifies as an artisan repair.
- Product designed to hide large amounts of candy amongst a few nuts and seeds
- A game of “Where’s Waldo?” in a bag – allowing consumers to hunt for all of the M&Ms hidden behind useless cashews
Usage Example: “Do you know if Target carries that trail mix with Sour Patch Kids? I’m starting a diet, so I’m swapping candy for trail mix.”
Background: Trail mix is a product that is specially designed to allow non-hikers to eat large amounts of candy without feeling bad about it. The basic trail mix formula is:
- 1 part nuts
- 1 part seeds
- 1 part raisins
- 2 parts dried fruit encrusted in sugar
- 50 parts chocolate chips
- 50 parts M&Ms
Some claim that trail mix was designed to meet the high caloric needs of hikers. However, studies show that less than .01% of all trail mix ever finds its way to the trail. Trail mix is actually a clever way to make people feel better about eating candy. Independent research has concluded that most trail mix is consumed while lying on sofas, hunting for candy and binge-watching The Golden Girls.
- Powerful electronic method of turning caffeine headaches into terminal brain cancer
- Powerful electronic magic trick, turning anything into cancer
- A terrible, backwards lottery that consistently awards the worst result, in spite of terrible odds
Usage Example: “Through the standard process of internet self-diagnosis, I am certain that this skin problem is leprosy.”
Background: In the minds of web surfers, the internet has been successfully turning IBS into colon cancer since 1996. Large amounts of good medical information exists on the internet. However, this medical information is often used in strange ways.
When questions arise about an unexplained medical symptom, many people seek answers from Google. This initial internet search inevitably leads the patient to a list of symptoms for a terminal illness. After realizing that the patient is exhibiting two of the ten symptoms listed for a particular cancer, the patient becomes concerned. The patient then embarks in additional searches which lead to more websites and discussion boards. The patient’s anxiety begins to grow as he/she reads accounts of people with symptoms just like them, who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. After more searches, the patient has completed the diagnosis. In spite of staggering odds and few symptoms, the patient is terminally ill.
This diagnosis is reached after reading hundreds of accounts from anonymous hypochondriacs who have untold minutes of experience in diagnosing medical conditions.
In many ways, the internet is the greatest lawyer of all time. Using only the slightest of circumstantial evidence, the internet can easily convince normally reasonable people that they are dying of smallpox.
- A purely evil professional cheating organization based in Foxboro, MA
- Organization committed to increasing the usage of the suffix “-gate”
- Headline factory used by the National Football League (NFL) to keep people talking about the league in its offseason
- Charity organization, dedicated to making bad football teams feel better about themselves
Usage Example: “I got selected for an IRS audit?! Why would the New England Patriots do this to me?”
Background: The New England Patriots (aka: Bill Belicheat and Cheating Cheatriots) are the world’s worst cheating organization. The Patriots are dedicated to cheating on a continual basis – sometimes while playing the game of American football. The behavior of the Patriots lies in stark contrast to the perfect behavior and overall upright morals exhibited by all other NFL teams.
Cheating scandals involving the Patriots include (but are certainly not limited to):
- Spygate: The Patriots broke NFL rules by filming the defensive signals of other NFL teams from the sidelines.
- Deflategate: Millions of dollars were spent trying to prove that the Patriots let some air out of some footballs.
- Headsetgate: Teams often complain about radio communication interference at Gillette Stadium and other venues… But the interference at Gillette stadium is clearly the most cheaty.
- Alamogate: It has been widely reported that the Patriots tipped off General Santa Anna to the location of the Texan resistance at the Alamo. The Patriots believed that this would give them a competitive advantage against the Dallas Cowboys and Houston Texans.
- Noisegate: The Patriots broke into the Georgia Dome and blasted fake crowd noise during games. This helped the Atlanta Falcons lose games by a smaller margin than usual. They also did this for the Indianapolis Colts.
- SalaryCapgate: In the late 1990s, the Patriots forced the Denver Broncos to cheat the salary cap. This led to two Super Bowl wins for the Broncos.
- Ketchupgate: Patriots Tight End Rob Gronkowski was spotted taking extra ketchup packets in the Gillette Stadium cafeteria. The NFL is launching a full investigation to protect the integrity of the fries.
- Watergate: Patriots Coach Bill Belichick orchestrated a botched break-in at the Watergate Hotel in the early 1970s. Belichick was not initially thought to be involved, but now it is clear that he must have been.
- Ramgate: The Patriots secretly filmed the St. Louis Rams Super Bowl XXXVI walkthrough, thus guaranteeing that Tom Brady would not throw any interceptions and the Rams would be defeated.
- Panthergate: The Patriots secretly inserted Jake Delhomme at quarterback for the otherwise unstoppable Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl XXXVIII, thus guaranteeing Carolina’s defeat.
- Clockgate: The Patriots brainwashed Philadelphia Eagles ownership to allow Andy Reid to manage the clock in the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XXXIX, thus guaranteeing Philadelphia’s defeat.
- Passgate: The Patriots cheated by firing Coach Pete Carroll in 1999. This led to his eventual hiring in Seattle, which led to Seattle’s dubious decision to pass on the one yard line, which led to the inevitable interception and defeat for the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX. Ted Wells is on the case. By firing Carroll, the Patriots were at least generally aware that all of this would happen.
- Tripgate: Patriots Coach Bill Belichick shoved Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin onto the edge of the field, leading to the tackle of Ravens player, Jacoby Jones. Some accused Tomlin of trying to trip Jones, but we know better.
- Enrongate: The Patriots coerced the energy company Enron to adopt Patriot accounting standards.
- Cokegate: The Patriots covertly introduced the product “New Coke” in the 1980s. They mistakenly believed that this would somehow give them a marked competitive advantage in football games.
- AshleyMadisongate: The New England Patriots created the adultery website “Ashley Madison” because they really, really like all kinds of cheating.
- An inexplicably popular, somewhat dead but not really dead, fictional character
- Focus of an unlikely global con carried out by AMC
Usage Example: “Did you catch last night’s episode of that zombie show? A few humans fought a bunch of zombies. It was great.”
Background: Approximately five years ago, the world lost its collective brains, and decided that it loved zombies. The cable network AMC somehow convinced large numbers of seemingly normal adults that zombies are interesting. This caused highly-functioning people to dress up like zombies at parties and 5K races, for some reason.
Experts often debate whether dressing up like zombies or Star Wars characters is more depressing. So far, Star Wars has a small lead, but the zombies are beginning to catch up. When they finally do catch up to Star Wars, the zombies plan to eat the brains of Jar Jar Binks and Lando Calrissian first.
- Act of voluntary insanity
- The process of filling a house with one’s loud, filthy little clones
Usage Example: “My next parenting milestone will be to successfully get at least 25% of my kids’ lunches into their mouths… Instead of on the floor, chairs, table, clothing, wall, ceiling, toys, siblings, AC vents, school papers, etc.”
Background: At some point (or points) in the lives of many couples, babies are born or adopted. At this time, parents begin the extended period of temporary insanity known as “parenting.”
Parenting has many side effects. These side effects include: sleeplessness, bargaining, yelling, excessive cleaning and even watching children’s television. Some parents have also been observed wearing their children in elaborate harnesses, and many others cart their children around in nylon wheelbarrows known as “strollers.”
Parenting also causes normally sane adults to utter bizarre statements. These statements include:
- Hey! Are you doing what I think you’re doing? Not again. Stop eating ants!
- Are you stinky? Someone’s stinky. Who’s stinky?
- Open wide. Just take one bite. Please. Take this bite. Open up! Here comes the airplane!.. Come on! Open up! I give up. Go ahead. Starve. See what I care… Just take this bite! If you want chocolate, you’ll take this bite.
- There’s new episodes of Wild Kratts on all this week! Set the DVR!
- No, you can’t wear a cape to the store. <screaming> Sigh… OK, wear the cape.
- If you don’t kick and scream at the doctor’s office, we’ll all go out for ice cream!
- Stop screaming! I’ll pay you anything to stop screaming. What do you want? Anything! It’s yours! Just stop screaming.
- A specially designed biological substance used to cause fights on the internet
- An excuse to poke children with sharp metal objects
Usage Example: “This website says that the chicken pox vaccine contains at least 5% pure hatred. I’m calling my congressman.”
Background: Politics, religion and Star Wars all have a rich history of causing fights on the internet. However, by the early 2000s, these topics had grown stale. As a result, new topics were being frantically developed in internet aggression labs throughout the world. Proven fight starters such as “diets” and “climate change” were released during this time. However, no one could have anticipated that the most powerful fight starter of this era would be the vaccine.
It is a surprising fact that vaccines have actually been around for many years. Prior to Al Gore’s creation of the internet, vaccines were developed to cause fights through other mediums. Multiple studies showed that vaccines were quite effective at causing telegraph arguments and postal fights. In later years, they were proven at least 80% effective at eradicating telephone peace.
However, it wasn’t until the internet era that the vaccine’s true potential to start fights could be realized. After literally tens of hours of internet research, vaccines were found to contain mercury, tissue stolen from third-world slaves, hateful feeling and bits of neglected dollars cast aside by greedy pharmaceutical companies. However, the most startling revelation was that almost all vaccines contained small amounts of dangerous and even deadly diseases. The internet was shocked, and the fight was on. Everyone took sides. On one side, the greedy pharmaceutical companies were looking to pump everyone full of dangerous drugs. On the other side, people with several minutes of medical research experience from the loudest internet sources were fighting back. Simply mentioning the word “vaccine” would almost instantly result in heavy CAPS LOCK usage, multiple blog links, and (for some reason) occasional Jenny McCarthy sightings.
While vaccines were developed as a nuclear fight-starter, they also have a strange side effect. One major side effect of vaccine usage is the eradication of disease. The disappearance of diseases like polio have sometimes been linked to vaccine usage. While this link may not be conclusively proven on the internet, the vaccine’s effectiveness in starting fights cannot be disputed.