Pop-Tart

  1. Flat, delicious method of pushing breakfast sugar
  2. The result of years of experiments designed to create the thinnest, hardest layer of frosting known to man

Usage Example: “Any Eggs Benedict in the vending machine today? No? Only Pop-Tarts, huh? I guess I’ll get the Pop-Tarts.”

Background: Since the beginning of time, humans have desired to eat candy for breakfast.

For generations, high levels of breakfast sugar could only be obtained through the messy and inconvenient process of adding syrup to pancakes or waffles. In recent decades, the creation of sugary cereals has simplified the process, but these cereals still require milk. The world desired a way of obtaining pancreas-rattling levels of sugar at 7:00 am without the social stigma of eating 2 pounds of Skittles for breakfast. Enter: Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts.

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Figure 1 – Kellogg’s Pop Tart with impossibly thin frosting and sprinkle fragments

The U.S. military had been experimenting with impossibly thin, stunningly hard layers of frosting since the Cold War. America simply would not allow the Soviets to control the thinnest, hardest, most delicious layers of frosting on the planet. Military scientists were also covering this frosting with tiny fragments of sprinkles that had been destroyed in weapons testing, for some reason. This technology eventually leaked to the public, was added to thin pastry envelopes, and the Pop-Tart was born.

In the early days, Pop-Tarts were created with fruit flavored filling in an adorable attempt to appear healthy. In more recent years, Pop-Tarts have basically given up and appeared in flavors such as S’mores, Chocolatey Caramel and Frosted Chocolate Chip.

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