Trail Mix

  1. Product designed to hide large amounts of candy amongst a few nuts and seeds
  2. A game of “Where’s Waldo?” in a bag – allowing consumers to hunt for all of the M&Ms hidden behind useless cashews

Usage Example: “Do you know if Target carries that trail mix with Sour Patch Kids? I’m starting a diet, so I’m swapping candy for trail mix.”

Background: Trail mix is a product that is specially designed to allow non-hikers to eat large amounts of candy without feeling bad about it. The basic trail mix formula is:

  • 1 part nuts
  • 1 part seeds
  • 1 part raisins
  • 2 parts dried fruit encrusted in sugar
  • 50 parts chocolate chips
  • 50 parts M&Ms

Some claim that trail mix was designed to meet the high caloric needs of hikers. However, studies show that less than .01% of all trail mix ever finds its way to the trail. Trail mix is actually a clever way to make people feel better about eating candy. Independent research has concluded that most trail mix is consumed while lying on sofas, hunting for candy and binge-watching The Golden Girls.

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Internet Self-Diagnosis

  1. Powerful electronic method of turning caffeine headaches into terminal brain cancer
  2. Powerful electronic magic trick, turning anything into cancer
  3. A terrible, backwards lottery that consistently awards the worst result, in spite of terrible odds

Usage Example: “Through the standard process of internet self-diagnosis, I am certain that this skin problem is leprosy.”

Background: In the minds of web surfers, the internet has been successfully turning IBS into colon cancer since 1996. Large amounts of good medical information exists on the internet. However, this medical information is often used in strange ways.

When questions arise about an unexplained medical symptom, many people seek answers from Google. This initial internet search inevitably leads the patient to a list of symptoms for a terminal illness. After realizing that the patient is exhibiting two of the ten symptoms listed for a particular cancer, the patient becomes concerned. The patient then embarks in additional searches which lead to more websites and discussion boards. The patient’s anxiety begins to grow as he/she reads accounts of people with symptoms just like them, who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. After more searches, the patient has completed the diagnosis. In spite of staggering odds and few symptoms, the patient is terminally ill.

This diagnosis is reached after reading hundreds of accounts from anonymous hypochondriacs who have untold minutes of experience in diagnosing medical conditions.

In many ways, the internet is the greatest lawyer of all time. Using only the slightest of circumstantial evidence, the internet can easily convince normally reasonable people that they are dying of smallpox.