New England Patriots

  1. A purely evil professional cheating organization based in Foxboro, MA
  2. Organization committed to increasing the usage of the suffix “-gate”
  3. Headline factory used by the National Football League (NFL) to keep people talking about the league in its offseason
  4. Charity organization, dedicated to making bad football teams feel better about themselves

Usage Example: “I got selected for an IRS audit?! Why would the New England Patriots do this to me?”

Background: The New England Patriots (aka: Bill Belicheat and Cheating Cheatriots) are the world’s worst cheating organization. The Patriots are dedicated to cheating on a continual basis – sometimes while playing the game of American football. The behavior of the Patriots lies in stark contrast to the perfect behavior and overall upright morals exhibited by all other NFL teams.

Cheating scandals involving the Patriots include (but are certainly not limited to):

  • Spygate: The Patriots broke NFL rules by filming the defensive signals of other NFL teams from the sidelines.
  • Deflategate: Millions of dollars were spent trying to prove that the Patriots let some air out of some footballs.
  • Headsetgate: Teams often complain about radio communication interference at Gillette Stadium and other venues… But the interference at Gillette stadium is clearly the most cheaty.
  • Alamogate: It has been widely reported that the Patriots tipped off General Santa Anna to the location of the Texan resistance at the Alamo. The Patriots believed that this would give them a competitive advantage against the Dallas Cowboys and Houston Texans.
  • Noisegate: The Patriots broke into the Georgia Dome and blasted fake crowd noise during games. This helped the Atlanta Falcons lose games by a smaller margin than usual. They also did this for the Indianapolis Colts.
  • SalaryCapgate: In the late 1990s, the Patriots forced the Denver Broncos to cheat the salary cap. This led to two Super Bowl wins for the Broncos.
  • Ketchupgate: Patriots Tight End Rob Gronkowski was spotted taking extra ketchup packets in the Gillette Stadium cafeteria. The NFL is launching a full investigation to protect the integrity of the fries.
  • Watergate: Patriots Coach Bill Belichick orchestrated a botched break-in at the Watergate Hotel in the early 1970s. Belichick was not initially thought to be involved, but now it is clear that he must have been.
  • Ramgate: The Patriots secretly filmed the St. Louis Rams Super Bowl XXXVI walkthrough, thus guaranteeing that Tom Brady would not throw any interceptions and the Rams would be defeated.
  • Panthergate: The Patriots secretly inserted Jake Delhomme at quarterback for the otherwise unstoppable Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl XXXVIII, thus guaranteeing Carolina’s defeat.
  • Clockgate: The Patriots brainwashed Philadelphia Eagles ownership to allow Andy Reid to manage the clock in the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XXXIX, thus guaranteeing Philadelphia’s defeat.
  • Passgate: The Patriots cheated by firing Coach Pete Carroll in 1999. This led to his eventual hiring in Seattle, which led to Seattle’s dubious decision to pass on the one yard line, which led to the inevitable interception and defeat for the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX. Ted Wells is on the case. By firing Carroll, the Patriots were at least generally aware that all of this would happen.
  • Tripgate: Patriots Coach Bill Belichick shoved Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin onto the edge of the field, leading to the tackle of Ravens player, Jacoby Jones. Some accused Tomlin of trying to trip Jones, but we know better.
  • Enrongate: The Patriots coerced the energy company Enron to adopt Patriot accounting standards.
  • Cokegate: The Patriots covertly introduced the product “New Coke” in the 1980s. They mistakenly believed that this would somehow give them a marked competitive advantage in football games.
  • AshleyMadisongate: The New England Patriots created the adultery website “Ashley Madison” because they really, really like all kinds of cheating.
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Zombie

  1. An inexplicably popular, somewhat dead but not really dead, fictional character
  2. Focus of an unlikely global con carried out by AMC

Usage Example: “Did you catch last night’s episode of that zombie show? A few humans fought a bunch of zombies. It was great.”

Background: Approximately five years ago, the world lost its collective brains, and decided that it loved zombies. The cable network AMC somehow convinced large numbers of seemingly normal adults that zombies are interesting. This caused highly-functioning people to dress up like zombies at parties and 5K races, for some reason.

Experts often debate whether dressing up like zombies or Star Wars characters is more depressing. So far, Star Wars has a small lead, but the zombies are beginning to catch up. When they finally do catch up to Star Wars, the zombies plan to eat the brains of Jar Jar Binks and Lando Calrissian first.