Parenting

  1. Act of voluntary insanity
  2. The process of filling a house with one’s loud, filthy little clones

Usage Example: “My next parenting milestone will be to successfully get at least 25% of my kids’ lunches into their mouths… Instead of on the floor, chairs, table, clothing, wall, ceiling, toys, siblings, AC vents, school papers, etc.”

Background: At some point (or points) in the lives of many couples, babies are born or adopted. At this time, parents begin the extended period of temporary insanity known as “parenting.”

Parenting has many side effects. These side effects include: sleeplessness, bargaining, yelling, excessive cleaning and even watching children’s television. Some parents have also been observed wearing their children in elaborate harnesses, and many others cart their children around in nylon wheelbarrows known as “strollers.”

Parenting also causes normally sane adults to utter bizarre statements. These statements include:

  1. Hey! Are you doing what I think you’re doing? Not again. Stop eating ants!
  2. Are you stinky? Someone’s stinky. Who’s stinky?
  3. Open wide. Just take one bite. Please. Take this bite. Open up! Here comes the airplane!.. Come on! Open up! I give up. Go ahead. Starve. See what I care… Just take this bite! If you want chocolate, you’ll take this bite.
  4. There’s new episodes of Wild Kratts on all this week! Set the DVR!
  5. No, you can’t wear a cape to the store. <screaming> Sigh… OK, wear the cape.
  6. If you don’t kick and scream at the doctor’s office, we’ll all go out for ice cream!
  7. Stop screaming! I’ll pay you anything to stop screaming. What do you want? Anything! It’s yours! Just stop screaming.
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Vaccine

  1. A specially designed biological substance used to cause fights on the internet
  2. An excuse to poke children with sharp metal objects

Usage Example: “This website says that the chicken pox vaccine contains at least 5% pure hatred. I’m calling my congressman.”

Background: Politics, religion and Star Wars all have a rich history of causing fights on the internet. However, by the early 2000s, these topics had grown stale. As a result, new topics were being frantically developed in internet aggression labs throughout the world. Proven fight starters such as “diets” and “climate change” were released during this time. However, no one could have anticipated that the most powerful fight starter of this era would be the vaccine.

It is a surprising fact that vaccines have actually been around for many years. Prior to Al Gore’s creation of the internet, vaccines were developed to cause fights through other mediums. Multiple studies showed that vaccines were quite effective at causing telegraph arguments and postal fights. In later years, they were proven at least 80% effective at eradicating telephone peace.

However, it wasn’t until the internet era that the vaccine’s true potential to start fights could be realized. After literally tens of hours of internet research, vaccines were found to contain mercury, tissue stolen from third-world slaves, hateful feeling and bits of neglected dollars cast aside by greedy pharmaceutical companies. However, the most startling revelation was that almost all vaccines contained small amounts of dangerous and even deadly diseases. The internet was shocked, and the fight was on. Everyone took sides. On one side, the greedy pharmaceutical companies were looking to pump everyone full of dangerous drugs. On the other side, people with several minutes of medical research experience from the loudest internet sources were fighting back. Simply mentioning the word “vaccine” would almost instantly result in heavy CAPS LOCK usage, multiple blog links, and (for some reason) occasional Jenny McCarthy sightings.

While vaccines were developed as a nuclear fight-starter, they also have a strange side effect. One major side effect of vaccine usage is the eradication of disease. The disappearance of diseases like polio have sometimes been linked to vaccine usage. While this link may not be conclusively proven on the internet, the vaccine’s effectiveness in starting fights cannot be disputed.

Fire Drill

  1. A loud alarm designed to call large numbers of people to play a game of make-believe
  2. The alarm that cried wolf
  3. Not an actual drill made of fire
  4. A socially acceptable lie

Usage Example: “We had a fire drill at work today. Half of the office stayed in the building, and the other half went outside and drove home.”

Background: Fire alarms are important. In the event of a fire, people need as much warning as possible to make a safe exit from buildings. The fire drill was created, not only to annoy people, but to give people some practice exiting buildings in the event of a real emergency.

The term “fire drill” was invented to scare people. Fire drill pioneers thought that the term “make-believe play-fire” wasn’t terrifying enough. Instead, they opted for the image of a flaming power tool.

Fire drills take place during pre-planned intervals, when someone pulls a prank, or whenever there is any type of construction occurring within 100 feet of any fire alarm hardware. This means that some buildings run many fire drills. Over time, people who have been through many fire drills fail to take them seriously.

The fire drill response is a “choose your own adventure.” There are two ways to respond to a fire drill. The first type of response involves quick action and immediate joy. The drillee is overcome with happiness, because he/she has a perfect excuse to get out of whatever they are doing. This is a common response in schools and some offices.

The second type of response completes the following progression:

  1. Hear the fire drill
  2. Wonder why there are so many fire drills
  3. Sit for a minute and hope it stops
  4. Think of the weather outside.
  5. Decide that it is too hot, cold, rainy, etc.
  6. Hang around for another minute, hoping that the fire alarm will stop
  7. Slowly walk toward the door, still hoping that the fire alarm will stop
  8. Reluctantly walk out the door, just as the fire alarm stops
  9. Turn and walk back in the building

Presidential Debate

  1. Competition between multiple Type-A robots, to see who can utter the most clichés
  2. The worst parts of a beauty pageant, without any beauty
  3. Question dodging recital

Usage Example: “The presidential debate is on Fox? I wonder what’s on Animal Planet.”

Background: In the United States, presidential elections occur every four years. Approximately 90 seconds after the votes are counted and a new president is announced, the first presidential debate of the next election cycle occurs. These debates continue on an almost daily basis until the next election.

Presidential debates give a platform for shiny, Ivy League educated robots to practice reciting clichés. For some reason, this spectacle attracts untold hundreds of viewers.

The main qualifying criterion for participation in a presidential debate is possessing the surname “Bush” or “Clinton”. Other debate criteria include:

  1. Wearing a flag pin
  2. Exhibiting an unnaturally large smile
  3. Telling at least one story about a family “sitting around the kitchen table, wondering how they will pay their bills”
  4. Using the name of at least one unemployed worker
  5. Republican Debates: use the words “Reagan,” “Liberty,” and “strengthening our borders”
  6. Democratic Debates: use the words “Equity,” “Choice,” and “my opponent will take away your Social Security”

Curious George

  1. The world’s least successful helper monkey
  2. The high maintenance pet of a mentally imbalanced man
  3. A monkey obsessed with seeking revenge on his captor

Usage Example: “Why did the man with the yellow hat leave Curious George alone in a chocolate factory? Is he crazy? Hasn’t he ever seen I Love Lucy?”

Background: Curious George is the potty-trained, ex-con monkey pet of a mentally imbalanced man. This man, known only as “the man with the yellow hat,” always wears an all-yellow safari outfit, complete with a yellow tie and hat. He wears this outfit every day. The man’s choice of wardrobe is a symptom of his delusional belief that he is some kind of monkey-catching super hero in yellow.

The history of Curious George and his mentally imbalanced friend is meticulously recorded in multiple picture books, television shows and movies. A normal person might keep a journal of such events, but the flamboyant man in the yellow hat insisted that all records of his dealings with George be inscribed in picture books.

The man with the yellow hat captured George in a bag during an expedition to Africa. He promptly brought George back to America to serve as his pet/slave/surrogate child (as anyone would). Upon coming to the U.S., George quickly found himself in prison. However, his incarceration was short lived, as he promptly broke out, and began his campaign of revenge against his captor, as a fugitive.

George continued to get into trouble, but the man with the yellow hat is a patient crazy person. He never learns. He will often leave George alone (while he pretends to be a super hero) and ask him to stay out of trouble. However, the vengeful monkey will always cause trouble. He has single-handedly demolished stores, hospitals, restaurants, sporting events, zoos, etc. George commits massive acts of vandalism, grand theft and destruction of property, but since he makes Betsy smile, he avoids any charges. This is disturbing to George. He desperately wants to get the man in trouble for enslaving him, but he always manages to make some kid happy, so all trouble is avoided.

The man’s mental shortcomings are also exhibited in that he insists on treating George like a child. He buys him toys, has him sleep in a child’s bed, and even sends him to school. At one point, he even allowed his primate pet to take on a paper route.

The actions of Curious George and the man with the yellow hat are difficult to understand, unless you have a firm grasp on their history and mental condition.