Roger Goodell

  1. The world’s most decisive indecisive disciplinarian
  2. Man committed to protecting the integrity of things by making random decisions

Usage Example: “I’d like to rent Roger Goodell to make disciplinary decisions for my kids, but I’m not in favor of the death penalty.”

Background: Roger Goodell is in charge of handing out discipline in the National Football League (NFL). Some unsubstantiated reports claim that he also maintains a side job as NFL Commissioner.

Figure 1 – Roger Goodell standing at a podium…probably handing out some discipline… or adjusting some discipline… or explaining why he changed his discipline.

Goodell is a man of strong convictions. These convictions include: randomly over-punishing and randomly under-punishing, while randomly standing firm and randomly changing his mind. These facts are not lost on the public. Now, you can even test your luck with an online “NFL Punishment Generator”.

If Roger Goodell made his disciplinary services available to the general public, he would rule your kids with an iron fist… unless he wouldn’t.

Roger would come to your house with a bowl full of candy and have a list of pre-defined rules that govern the bowl. The candy bowl rules are as follows:

  1. The candy bowl is open from 5:00pm – 7:00pm. Any person taking candy outside of this time will be punished by a $10 fine.
  2. There will be a woman guarding the candy bowl. She will be making sure that no one takes more than two pieces of candy. If you punch her in the face and knock her out, you will be punished with a stern lecture. Unless a video tape of the event is made public… Then you will receive the death penalty.
  3. You are allowed to film the candy bowl from certain locations, but if you try to film the candy bowl from the area next to the sofa, you will be fined $10,000 and serve five years in prison. Roger will then confiscate the tapes, and immediately destroy the evidence… Because there’s nothing wrong with destroying evidence.

After Roger arrives with his candy bowl, one of your kids coordinates with a couple of friends to grab some candy at 4:50.

On this day, your neighbor finds a candy wrapper on the floor before 5:00 and tells Goodell. He is furious. He must protect the integrity of the bowl. He immediately alerts the media that candy was taken early… up to two hours early. Your son claims that his watch was fast, and he didn’t know he was doing anything wrong. That excuse makes sense to some people, but most people think he knowingly broke the rule and grabbed some candy a few minutes early. He prepares to pay the $10 fine for this infraction.

Then, for some reason, Roger hires a high-priced law firm to fully investigate the matter. The law firm takes months to release a report that concludes that your son “more likely than not” had knowledge of the candy grabbing operation. So, Roger decides to fine your family $10,000 and send your son to a detention center for four months. He must protect the integrity of the bowl.

No one really knows how the $10 fine turned into all of this. But, since many people really don’t like your son, they are fine with the punishment.

Your son decides to appeal the decision. Roger is cool with this. He decides that he will be the one to hear the appeal.

After the appeal, Roger decides to side with himself, and keep his punishment exactly the same. In spite of his own rich history of destroying evidence, Roger claims that he upheld his own decision because your son destroyed multiple candy wrappers before his investigators asked your son to turn over all of his personal information.

The media buys this, and tells your son to give up. Just take the penalty and move on. They say this in spite of the fact that allegedly destroying evidence may speak to his guilt, but does not address the concept of the punishment not fitting the crime. The media also trots out a long line of people that your son beat in past sporting events, and they all cry over the integrity of the bowl.

Around the same time, the woman guarding the candy bowl is beat up (see rule #2). A little neighborhood kid is also beaten by another family member. Roger flip-flops a couple of times on these cases, but he always makes sure that these inconsequential events don’t get in the way of more serious matters.

Image Credit: By Marianne O’Leary [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

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