Loyalty Card

  1. Plastic filler product for wallets and key chains
  2. Empowering opportunity for shoppers

Usage Example: “If you sign up for the bowling alley’s free loyalty card, every tenth frame is 10% off.”

Background: Americans have problems. American wallets are too thin and American key chains are way too empty. Thankfully, every single retail store in the country is helping to remedy this problem.

It all started with grocery stores. Customers interested in paying reasonable prices for groceries have to agree to carry around a piece of plastic with a store logo on it.

The process of obtaining these pieces of plastic is simple. Stores collect your name, address, phone number, email address, driving records, medical records and the names of your family and friends. In exchange for handing over this information, stores graciously give you the option of carrying around a card in your wallet, or a stubby and soon to be filthy chunk of plastic to hang on your key chain. By presenting these chunks of plastic at the point of sale, stores agree to allow customers to pay normal prices for groceries. If you fail to carry around the store’s chunk of plastic, you must be penalized by paying artificially inflated prices for products.

After grocery stores successfully convinced millions of people to carry around their plastic filler products, every other store followed suit. You are now compelled to carry loyalty cards for pharmacies, gas stations, movie theaters, ice cream stores and lemonade stands.

Smart shoppers are encouraged to create their own loyalty cards. Simply tape your picture to a piece of plastic and present it to a retail outlet. If that store refuses to show it to you whenever you shop, inform them that you will pay half-price for all items. This plan is guaranteed to work almost 1% of the time.

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