Father’s Day

  1. Holiday created by the necktie industry
  2. Annual participation award given to fathers

Usage Example: “We’re going all out for Father’s Day this year. I’m sending my father a tie and giving him a phone call.”

Background: Mothers grow children inside of their bodies and painfully push them out. Fathers observe this process, eat sandwiches and watch football. In a father’s mind, this makes fathers even with mothers. This idea is the basic concepts of Father’s Day.

In the wild, fathers are occasionally observed wearing neckties. However, over the past forty years, necktie usage by fathers has been declining at rate of approximately 2% each year. Because of this, the necktie industry created Father’s Day.

Father’s Day was designed as a participation award for fathers. As a reward for a strong #2 position in the parenting process, children are encouraged to give their fathers neckties. Kids know that men love tying silky cloth nooses around their necks, and the necktie industry takes advantage of this fact.

Neckties are strips of fabric that are specially designed to serve as flashy closet filler for 364 days each year. On average, a necktie is taken out of a father’s closet for one funeral, court appearance or job interview each year. In spite of this low usage rate, a father has an average of 37 ties hanging in his closet. And, because of Father’s Day, the average father has purchased zero of those ties himself. Strangely, fathers are always happy to receive and store additional ties from kids, even if they never actually serve as non-lethal nooses for him.

Happy Father’s Day!

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