Kentucky Derby

  1. The two-minute period in May when America decides that it cares about horse racing
  2. Showcase for the stunning athleticism exhibited by tiny men sitting on horses
  3. Excuse for insanity

Usage Example: “I can’t believe that ‘Canadian Kaiser’ has 12-1 odds in the Kentucky derby! If I didn’t just find out he existed 10 minutes ago, I would have put some money on him.”

Background: Each May, there is a two minute period of time that causes America to lose its collective mind. The Kentucky Derby has a strange effect on people.

This event causes thousands of people who couldn’t care less about horse racing, to descend on Churchill Downs in order to engage in strange behavior. Women choose to mark the occasion by wearing the largest hats that sweatshops can produce. Men choose to wear white shoes and pastel colors. Many of them will wear bow ties or dress like Ben Matlock. They also choose to drink mint juleps. This is a beverage that only exists at Churchill Downs in May.

On Kentucky Derby day, everyone becomes a horse racing expert. Many people will “have a feeling” about a horse that they had been following for a solid eight minutes. In the hour leading up to the race, NBC runs tear-jerking stories about the horses and that one jockey’s struggle to win the big race after battling addiction and defeat. The public picks their favorite horses during this coverage, or based on which jockey wears the most flamboyant shirt. That is basically all we know about horse racing.

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