Toys

  1. Expensive floor covering for children’s rooms
  2. Highly refined materials for an indoor minefield

Usage Example: “If you don’t clean up your toys this instant…we’ll probably clean them up for you…so we don’t kill ourselves.”

Background: Toys follow a predictable and rapid lifecycle. The “Toy Cycle” progresses along the following steps:

  1. Kid begs for toy
  2. Parent buys toy
  3. Kid plays with toy for 7.5 minutes
  4. Kid breaks toy
  5. Toy becomes an expensive floor covering

That’s basically it.

Kids trick parents into buying toys, so that they can immediately break them and set them up as elaborate booby traps for parents. Kids can instinctively navigate a minefield of toys on the floor, but parents step on every Lego and Ninja Turtle.

The process of breaking toys and leaving them on the floor is often referred to as “refining” or “enriching” the toys. Kids throughout the world are enriching toys every day. There is a vast army of tiny people setting up entire rooms full of highly refined toys right under our noses.

Unreliable sources have reported that all kids receive special training in “creative terrorism” at a secret KGB facility in Vladivostok. It is at this facility where all kids learn about the toy cycle, and how to use it to initiate acts of creative terrorism against their parents.

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