Self-Checkout

  1. Sensitive machine allowing customers to fulfill their dreams of working in the grocery industry without pay
  2. Recent technological advancement helping humans reach their goal of never talking with anyone else, ever

Usage Example: “There is no unexpected item in the bagging area! Why did I pick the self-checkout line?”

Background: For people interested in doing their own dental work, comes the self-checkout machine. These machines allow customers to play “Fantasy Grocery Store.” While in the checkout line, few grocery store customers are able to resist the urge to jump over the counter and scan their own items. Thankfully, the industry has responded to this desire by providing customers with an easy way to work for their favorite stores without pay.

The self-checkout machine also helps customers meet another need: avoiding conversation at all costs. The invention of the cellular phone forever changed the trajectory of mankind’s desire to talk with one another. Before the invention of the cell phone, most technological advancements were geared toward making it easier for humans to talk with each other. However, the cell phone went too far, by providing an easy way for humans to talk with each other anywhere and at any time. It was all too much.

Realizing that a terrible mistake had been made, the following years focused on technological backpedaling that helped humans avoid conversation at all costs. Text messages, online ordering, online banking and self-checkout technology are all steps toward the new goal. Today, the average American makes more phone calls using a box of Nerds than with an actual phone.

Self-checkout machines may be a quirky, deceptive ploy for retail outlets to gain a free workforce, but at least they help us avoid accidentally engaging in conversations. If this trend continues, we can expect the “self-automotive repair kiosk” and “self-medical exam machine” to arrive in the coming years.

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