- A prolonged period of laziness in exotic locations
- The next week-and-a-half
- A time of few definitions
Usage Example: “I can’t believe that guy who writes Honest Definitions is taking a vacation. A vacation from what?”
Background: The next two weeks will only contain sporadic definitions. Honest Definitions will return to regularly defining your life after this period of prolonged laziness and limited internet connections. Don’t cry. It’ll be OK.
- The only romantic meal involving bibs and cracking exoskeletons
- Meal featuring a set of tiny torture devices
Usage Example: “You might want to stand back. I’m about to crack this lobster’s exoskeleton… Happy Anniversary.”
Background: Lobster is a popular dinner choice for a romantic meal. This is obviously because there is nothing more romantic than putting on a bib and awkwardly cracking open the exoskeleton of a giant sea-bug.
After choosing a live lobster from a restaurant aquarium, the sea-bug is then boiled alive and served to the customer. At this time, the customer will proudly sport a bib featuring a lobster picture. (Of course, American culture dictates that diners should always wear a bib featuring an image of whatever food is being consumed at the time.)
Diners must then literally plan their attack. A small toolbox full of specialized metal torture devices is made available to help get inside the bug’s hard shell. Diners will often dismember the creature by cracking it, prodding it and tearing it apart with their hands. The bib is necessary because the butchering process can be messy.
When all of these facts are considered, there can be no doubt as to why lobster is such a popular romantic meal.
- One side of a complicated, long-distance relationship
- Huge flaming gasbag that is constantly trying to kill us
Usage Example: “Hey kids! Don’t forget to put on a hat and cover yourselves in sunscreen before you go outside. If you don’t, the Sun will try to give you cancer.”
Background: Humans continue to struggle through a complicated long distance relationship with an enormous flaming ball of gas in outer space.
Figure 1 – What a jerk.
On one hand, we need the Sun to live. The Sun holds our planet in orbit, thereby allowing Earth to enjoy livable temperatures. Light from the Sun also helps humans generate vitamin D and keeps plants alive.
However, the Sun is also a huge jerk that is constantly trying to kill mankind. For some reason, the Sun wants to give everyone cancer. Because of this threat, packing for a family beach trip is like packing for a South Pole expedition. We need hundreds of pounds of gear to survive the Sun’s attacks. Hats, umbrellas and sunscreen are just some of the items that we haul around to protect us from that bully.
The Sun is also incredibly vain and aloof. The Sun is so full of itself, that it won’t even let anyone look at it. If you stare at it for too long, that vindictive punk will make you go blind (or at least that’s what parents tell their kids). The Sun is also kind enough to give us a beautiful eclipse every decade or so… But guess what? You can’t look at that either!
Even if we are lucky enough to avoid cancer and blindness from the Sun, that jerk has one final trick up its sleeve. Eventually, the Sun will morph into a “red giant” and completely destroy our entire planet. Thanks, Sun.
No one knows why the Sun is so vindictive. We haven’t been seeing other stars…Honestly. We need the Sun… But we also hate the Sun. What a jerk.
- Plastic filler product for wallets and key chains
- Empowering opportunity for shoppers
Usage Example: “If you sign up for the bowling alley’s free loyalty card, every tenth frame is 10% off.”
Background: Americans have problems. American wallets are too thin and American key chains are way too empty. Thankfully, every single retail store in the country is helping to remedy this problem.
It all started with grocery stores. Customers interested in paying reasonable prices for groceries have to agree to carry around a piece of plastic with a store logo on it.
The process of obtaining these pieces of plastic is simple. Stores collect your name, address, phone number, email address, driving records, medical records and the names of your family and friends. In exchange for handing over this information, stores graciously give you the option of carrying around a card in your wallet, or a stubby and soon to be filthy chunk of plastic to hang on your key chain. By presenting these chunks of plastic at the point of sale, stores agree to allow customers to pay normal prices for groceries. If you fail to carry around the store’s chunk of plastic, you must be penalized by paying artificially inflated prices for products.
After grocery stores successfully convinced millions of people to carry around their plastic filler products, every other store followed suit. You are now compelled to carry loyalty cards for pharmacies, gas stations, movie theaters, ice cream stores and lemonade stands.
Smart shoppers are encouraged to create their own loyalty cards. Simply tape your picture to a piece of plastic and present it to a retail outlet. If that store refuses to show it to you whenever you shop, inform them that you will pay half-price for all items. This plan is guaranteed to work almost 1% of the time.
- The process of spending a week carefully categorizing and pricing items that will all ultimately sell for 25¢ each
- A tedious way of making $67
- A long, complicated pit-stop for junk on its way to the landfill
Usage Example: “Do you think 75¢ will be enough to get a living room set at the yard sale?”
Background: Many people decide to remove junk from their homes through excessive and complicated acts of torture. These acts include:
- Spending at least a week carefully selecting, cleaning and organizing junk
- Spending many hours researching values and assigning prices to the junk that will ultimately be ignored by everyone
- Spending a Saturday in the rain, watching carefully priced and organized junk sit in a driveway
- Giving the priced and organized junk one final ride to Goodwill or the landfill
When these acts of torture are combined, they form a process known as a “yard sale.”
A major challenge of holding a yard sale is dealing with yard sale negotiations. Yard sale negotiations generally follow the same pattern. Here is an example:
Buyer: “How much for the recliner?”
Seller: “Twenty-five dollars.”
Buyer: “I’ll give you a quarter for it.”
Seller: “I’ll take $20, but I can’t really go much lower than that.”
Buyer: “I have a quarter.”
Seller: “It’s late in the day… I’ll take $10 for it.”
Buyer: “Will you take a quarter?”
Seller: “Seriously? It’s a piece of furniture… How about $5?”
Buyer: “I have a pickup truck and can haul it away right now. I’ll give you a quarter for it.”
Seller: “Fine. A quarter.”
There are easier ways to dispatch excess junk, but only a yard sale can turn your junk into 52 hours of work and a cool $73.
- Holiday created by the necktie industry
- Annual participation award given to fathers
Usage Example: “We’re going all out for Father’s Day this year. I’m sending my father a tie and giving him a phone call.”
Background: Mothers grow children inside of their bodies and painfully push them out. Fathers observe this process, eat sandwiches and watch football. In a father’s mind, this makes fathers even with mothers. This idea is the basic concepts of Father’s Day.
In the wild, fathers are occasionally observed wearing neckties. However, over the past forty years, necktie usage by fathers has been declining at rate of approximately 2% each year. Because of this, the necktie industry created Father’s Day.
Father’s Day was designed as a participation award for fathers. As a reward for a strong #2 position in the parenting process, children are encouraged to give their fathers neckties. Kids know that men love tying silky cloth nooses around their necks, and the necktie industry takes advantage of this fact.
Neckties are strips of fabric that are specially designed to serve as flashy closet filler for 364 days each year. On average, a necktie is taken out of a father’s closet for one funeral, court appearance or job interview each year. In spite of this low usage rate, a father has an average of 37 ties hanging in his closet. And, because of Father’s Day, the average father has purchased zero of those ties himself. Strangely, fathers are always happy to receive and store additional ties from kids, even if they never actually serve as non-lethal nooses for him.
Happy Father’s Day!
- Prepackaged lunch product that pretends that it’s normal to eat cold chicken nuggets
- Prepackaged lunch product that pretends that it’s normal to eat uncooked pizza
- Physical proof that kids consistently make terrible decisions
Usage Example: “Can we buy these Lunchables?! Please?! I want the one with the cold, uncooked pepperoni pizza!”
Background: Kraft Lunchables operate on a simple premise: kids will beg their parents for whatever they see in commercials. It doesn’t really matter what is being sold, if it has a loud and colorful commercial, kids need it.
Lunchables are prepackaged, processed lunch-food-like products that defy logic. Kids like pizza, right? Kraft decided that kids like pizza so much, that they will eat a pizza that is cold an uncooked. They also decided that kids should like cold chicken nuggets.
Well… Kraft was right. Apparently, kids will eat these things. Kids have long enjoyed a rich history of poor decision making. From the Children’s Crusade, to Slime Time Live, to Furby and Justin Bieber – kids have a way of consistently making horrendous choices. Lunchables are just another ridiculous product making money off of the frighteningly bad logic of our children.
Now, I need to end this post and grab a piece of cold pizza from the fridge…
- A restaurant serving free chips and salsa with the exact same menu as every other restaurant serving free chips and salsa
- Home of the “hot plate”
Usage Example: “I love ‘Mexican Restaurant.’ They have the best burrito covered in cheese sauce, served with refried beans and rice.”
Background: The American Mexican Restaurant Commission sets certain guidelines to be observed by every low-priced, local Mexican restaurant. These guidelines are as follows:
- Greet customers with the phrase “Hola, amigos!” Use this phrase even if you are the child of Irish immigrants.
- Serve free chips and salsa.
- Adopt the universal Mexican restaurant menu. This menu must include:
- Numbered dinner meals
- Fajitas, Burritos, Tacos and Nachos
- At least 75% of the menu must be completely covered in cheese sauce
- All rice must be some shade of orange
- Fried Ice Cream
- For birthday celebrations, utilize a novelty sombrero.
- Fajitas must be generating a noise louder than 80 decibels when delivered to the table.
- There must be no less than 40 Corona advertisements within 20 feet of the front door.
- Be aware that 50% of your customers will think that they are fluent in Spanish, and will try to engage in Spanish conversations with you. Smile and humor them.
- Servers must repeatedly yell the phrase “hot plate” when delivering plates to the table. This warning must occur regardless of the actual temperature of the plates.
- The two-minute period in May when America decides that it cares about horse racing
- Showcase for the stunning athleticism exhibited by tiny men sitting on horses
- Excuse for insanity
Usage Example: “I can’t believe that ‘Canadian Kaiser’ has 12-1 odds in the Kentucky derby! If I didn’t just find out he existed 10 minutes ago, I would have put some money on him.”
Background: Each May, there is a two minute period of time that causes America to lose its collective mind. The Kentucky Derby has a strange effect on people.
This event causes thousands of people who couldn’t care less about horse racing, to descend on Churchill Downs in order to engage in strange behavior. Women choose to mark the occasion by wearing the largest hats that sweatshops can produce. Men choose to wear white shoes and pastel colors. Many of them will wear bow ties or dress like Ben Matlock. They also choose to drink mint juleps. This is a beverage that only exists at Churchill Downs in May.
On Kentucky Derby day, everyone becomes a horse racing expert. Many people will “have a feeling” about a horse that they had been following for a solid eight minutes. In the hour leading up to the race, NBC runs tear-jerking stories about the horses and that one jockey’s struggle to win the big race after battling addiction and defeat. The public picks their favorite horses during this coverage, or based on which jockey wears the most flamboyant shirt. That is basically all we know about horse racing.
- Key player in a FIFA scandal
- The adopted color of an underrepresented fruit with deep pockets
Usage Example: “It’s a blue popsicle… of course it’s raspberry flavored.”
Background: In the early 1980s, the American food industry held its famous “Who Wants to be a Blue Fruit” contest. Food manufacturers had long desired to offer a blue colored fruit flavor, and this was the contest that would award the color blue to a deserving fruit. Blueberry was the early favorite and was expected to coast to an easy win. This was likely because blueberries are actually blue. However, the food world was rocked by the final decision.
The former president of the Food Industry Formulation Association (FIFA), Sepp Blatter, announced that the color blue would be awarded to the raspberry. The world was shocked. Raspberries do have a little known variety that is purple, but blueberry clearly made the most sense. However, in the world of FIFA, logic doesn’t matter. The raspberry lobby had deep pockets, and they bought their way into the big time.
One day raspberry is an anonymous fruit, the next day it’s a famous blue flavor. Today, whenever anyone eats blue candy, they assume that it is raspberry flavored. We can thank FIFA for that.