Lean Cuisine

  1. Low-fat frozen “meals” featuring approximately 6-8 bites of “food”
  2. Key step in the vending machine process

Usage Example: “I’m so excited! Someone stole my Lean Cuisine meal from the office refrigerator! Time to hit the drive-through.”

Background: Lean Cuisine meals are purchased with the best of intentions. Consumers are attracted by their low prices, healthy reputation, and the fact that their “Cooked White Meat Chicken” contains at least four ingredients.

Lean Cuisine meals are a popular lunch option at work. Eating a Lean Cuisine meal at work sends multiple non-verbal messages to coworkers:

  1. “I am trying to be healthy.”
  2. “I don’t really care what my food tastes like.”
  3. “I am perfectly fine with chicken that has the texture and taste of a sponge soaked in dishwater. Who am I to judge?”
  4. “I don’t need real grill marks on my “grilled” meat. I’m satisfied with these brown lines that were printed on the meat during the manufacturing process.”
  5. “In twenty minutes, I’ll be getting a Snickers from the vending machine.”

These non-verbal messages are being communicated during the “Lean Cuisine Cycle”. This cycle is a predictable and unforgiving process. It consists of the following steps:

  1. Decide to lose weight
  2. Purchase a Lean Cuisine Meal
  3. Reluctantly heat and consume a Lean Cuisine meal
  4. Endure gnawing hunger pains for approximately 15 minutes after finishing the Lean Cuisine meal
  5. Walk to the vending machine to purchase candy
  6. Consume candy
  7. Struggle with guilt over the candy purchase
  8. Resolve to not eat candy tomorrow
  9. (Go back to step 1 and repeat the cycle each and every day)
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